You are quite right Rosey, I have a freind who works in the place I mentiond & she is belittled by other staff for taking to long with clients because she cares!!!!. No overtime if you care its in your own time. She is a very caring person & finds it distressing. For years she was a part time carer for our dissabled son. Daryl

Yes well all I can say is this is a minefield. Now ACAT team leader should be able to sort it out but as you have discovered it is going to cost big time. Finding a place is not easy and finding a place that is convenient equally hard.
I get to see behind the scenes with my visits with Gracie and I'll give you a clue, not being racist but if there are wogs (names on the doors like Morag Grivas, Bozilvar Liusis) generally the place is up to scratch as they are rather picky where they place their aged....Man Oh man it's a tough thing to do though but try thinking that you are doing them a favour which you are, ignore the outpourings of abuse that you will get they lose the abilty to reason and honestly become a danger to themselves.
Guru mate keep your chin up, don't let this get you down, it's very emotional to have to put your Mum in care but remember it is for the best.
I have inlaws who should be in full time care but they refuse to even think about it but then they can't reason anyway and expect everyone to drop whatever they are doing and drive 4 hours to move the car 6" so they can get bread out of the garage freezer. Old age is no fun for the carers, the victims are in a state of anasthesia and just don't realise the havoc they create.

Basil, if they have a car in the garage, why don't they shift it? Please explain. They get so set in their ways and unreasonable. Very hard to cope with. At the aged care homes we sing at, I noticed some have lost their bodies but the heads work just fine, and alternately, they've lost their mental faculties but their bodies work just fine. Add some of the other, numerous medical issues they live with, and it's a complicated life. Getting old is oh, so cruel to some. We weren't meant to live this long (over 50), but medical science has changed all that. Hallelujah for medical science!

That's a good line Rolly........I like it!! A bit like..............I would sooner owe someone money for the rest of their lives than do them out of it!!

After much agonising and sleeplessness we had a family meeting an hour ago.

The general concensus was that if WE didn't want to be in a place such as we have seen then why in the name of heaven would be put our Mum there.

Resolve is that Mum will come home!!!!!   End of question!!!!!!

Being a DVA widow is a bonus as this opens many doors that are firmly locked to most pensioners.

With their help and taking it in three day/night shifts, all appropriate paraphenalia  and the occasional respite care we have decided that we will give it our all.  We owe Mum that much at least and if after a time we find it isn't in her best interest then we will revist the nursing home aspect.

Thankyou all so much for your input, words of encouragement and compassion.  It has helped us all  immensely.

Elaine and Rob and Daniel

oh hell! Ma why you, isnt there someone else, I really hope you have your eyes open to all you are letting yourself in for how much respite are you going to get, what happens to mum when you want a bit of "me time", what happens when she gets worse we only get 6 weeks a year, I pay for the rest, it currently costs us $12 an hour passive (roughly 6 hours per day), and $25 per hour active (18 hours per day), it costs a small fortune for our sons care when we want an "extended" break I work three jobs (havent been home in a couple of days) plus my sharpening business and the dragon works as an "in home" carer seven days a week, a hell of a lot of our pay goes into "extra care" for our son please, I know you love her to bits and you have the "family" feelings but you have your own life to live, reconsider the old folks home option, you only have one life, dont throw it away we only go around once, to be brutal, mums had hers what about you!!! call me a heartless mongrel but hell at least think about it more, stuff what the "family" says

Hi Ma My wife & I have looked after our son for 21Yrs it was like looking after a baby, change nappys, feed, non comunicate, fitting every day horible noises day & night. I worked for most of that time, as cenerlink said i should as a mechanic, wife home as carer untill she couldnt cope. By this time i was having problems working due to arthritis & left work & become carer. At this time a placement came up for our son & I refused (1st mistake) carried on for another 4yrs untill we both couldnt cope any more ( in the middle of this wife has both hips replaced & it went wrong & iwas looking after her aswell) So after a nervous break down our son was made home less ( only way for him to get a placement). He finished up at Berry in respite for 9mths, then Victorharbour in placement 1Yr, Then he was shifted to Pt Augusta where he is now. This last shift was good for him, hes in a house with 2other people getting 24/7 looking after. He actually has more facilitys & programs in Pt agusta, I think its probably because of the disabled Indiginous people up there. So he is making the most of it. That then leaves us he left about 2Yrs ago & we are still recovering from the ordeal, having your son made homeless to get a placement was probably the hardest thing that happened to us. We visited him last weekend for a carers & parents chrismas party & had a good time, his carers are wonderfull caring people & he is well looked after. ( it still hurts inside) Bless you MA. Daryl Ps Have a good Chrismas in spite of your problems.

Cruising Granny wrote:

---

Basil, if they have a car in the garage, why don't they shift it? Please explain.
They get so set in their ways and unreasonable. Very hard to cope with.

---

Precisley Granny, now the trouble is that a lot of folk don't want to admit that their loved ones are in need of help 24/7... More to the point, there are only 2 of them with a big fridge freezer in the house why do they need the extra freezer in the garage with 2 loaves of bread in it? As you get older you lose your abilty to reason and if you are not a very good thinker to start with then when you hit your 80's you go downhill, not become Einstein. Hence why I am trying to get you mob to THINK & ENGAGE YOUR BRAINS.
They expect everyone to put their lives on hold, I've had a rant about having to do 2 return trips to Taree from Canberra but what do you do? Then I pick them up in Sydney and bring them to Canberra for a "holiday" and thats where I get my fun, have em up at 6 every morning, form up out the front with their walkers in a file of 3, Me and Gracie in front and we will be going for a walk, thats the other problem they refuse to get any excercise at all, he sits in front of the TV asleep all day and at night wanders around with a torch shining it in everyones face asking if they are asleep yet the rest of the family consider this totally normal behavior. You can't take them out for a meal, they refuse to order and ask you what everything is ie "What is sausages & eggs", "Oh Rissoles with chips & gravy - I don't like gravy"  so you have to find a place where the food has been stewing in a bain maree for 2 days, is barely recognisable and bland and tasteless; where they can pick what they want. Then they see that I have a steak, or a stonegrill and demand to know why I got that "Because you "f"ing old farts I read the menue and made a choice from it" "whats a stonegrill?" I'm not in the best of mental health, infact I have a certificate to prove I'm insane and after over 10 years of being shrunk by experts I have a fairly good idea when someone is NTFQ od ASSOAB and every Xmas it gets to me. Just 1 year I'd like to have Xmas on a tropical beach slurping mangoes and have nothing more to worry about than untangling tinsel from my budgie smugglers...

my!! my!!! my!!!! I thought my rants were bad!!!

Ma, Guru yours is a very courageous decision. Certainly after my experiences I'd never do that, I'd never cope. You pair are made of very strong stuff indeed, but PLEASE don't let this decision ruin your golden years. Yes you owe your parents but you can go too far at times. I hope DVA do the right thing by you.

Goodonya Ma and Guru...hope it works out. Your home or hers? You are right, a DVA entitlement opens lotsa doors, and pays lotsa bills too.

Which leads to what I've been  thinking at work today.... What sort of people are WE going to be when we are old?? Will we be sweet and compliant, or demand everything we think we aught to get? Everybody's different, and often as we age our personalitys change.

I'm planning stay healthy till I'm 95 then drop off the twig overnight!

After reading comments on old age care It seems Auzzie has same problem as NZ. We are going through same problems with aged parent.Anyone having to deal with this has my sympathy. On a more pleasent thought what is ment by the word avatar.

If I were to become a burden on my family then if 1 sleeping pill puts me to sleep 50 should do the job very nicely.

Yes Basil, a living will is good plus we need to give an "Enduring Power of Attorney" to somebody we can TRUST to turn off the dreaded machines if necessary....and sort out your bills while you are off with the tweeties.

Interestingly, for we who are interstate travellers, an Enduring Power of Attorney means nothing outside the state in which it was signed. So make sure if a truck hits you its in your home state!!!

Crazy?

Rob and Daniel will read this thread from start to finish when they come home and I will ask them to respond if they feel so inclined.  As it is their Mum I think any comments should come from them.

Admittedly she is only my MIL but I love her to bits.  I honestly can't see this situation going on for a whole lot of time, but that is only my opinion.

I have a few mixed feelings about the situation but then I think about my Mum, who thankfully isn't in this position and please God will never be, and what I would want for her.  Could I honestly do any less for my darling Husband's Mum.   I think not.

I know it will be tough going but we will manage somehow.

I nursed my late Husband for 10 years, the last 4 of which were hell, but hey I managed and with little or no help from anyone not even his family. 

The last two years, since meeting and marrying Rob have been the happiest of my life and if we have to put our life on hold, then so be it.  Whatever Rob does and where ever he goes then I am with him body and soul.

Ok, I've laid bare my soul here and maybe that's the wrong thing to do, but maybe you will understand where I am coming from.

I guess my brain is ruled by my heart, but hey, that's me.

Elaine

P.S.  Please think of us when you out on the road and have an extra one at "happy hour" for us

Elaine and Rob.Thank you so much for giving me the trigger to explore and grasp the enormity of growing old.You have given so many people the peace of mind that is probably at this very moment beseting them.Your original post would have given all of us a dose of reality.I feel humble to have been part of your soul searching search for advice and help.The replies from fellow G/N's should be an inspiration to us all.Thank you,Marty.

Thank you all for your input, Dan and I have read them all and have been very moved by the level of support and encouragement. This may be a long response, so I beg your forgiveness early in the piece. Mum and Dad met in 1941, found they had a connection and married not that long after Dad managed to get some leave in between serving in the middle east and being posted to New Guinea in 1943. Pete was born in 1945, I followed 3 years later and Dan hit the pavements of Melbourne in 1951. Before the war, Dad was a hotel dogsbody, on night shift, polishing shoes and taking care of the nightsoil etc (it was a country hotel). He and Mum struggled through life to give us kids the best upbringiung that was available to them, with their help (and managing to pass a few scholarship tests that assisted my education), I managed to find a career that I enjoyed, albeit that this was in Defence and I rarely made it home again. My youngest brother was born in 1963... unfortunately his life was cut short due to an accident.... long story but all I will say was that he was the apple of my Mum and Dads eye, and his passing did have a lasting effect on their lives. Throughout out lives, Mum and Dad stood by the decisions we made, regardless of whether they found them good or stupid. The support was there (even after the dressing down of how stupid the decisions were). The stage we are at now is to thank Mum for what they sacrificed for us (unfortunately my Dad passed away 18 months ago). With some luck, help and spiritual guidance (no matter what creed), will assist her to pass from this life without any pain or worry..... into the next

well that went well didnt it, not much help to Ma and all I did was upset you, I apoligise for not being able to give you the guidance you need you reckon your answer is long winded well grab a cuppa gally, hitch up your knickers and settle back in your easy chair and come with me for a ride,................................................ Daves goin a naggin!!!! now Ma we all have roads which are destined to be ours but every now and then we come to a junction, the road you pick is then yours alone, you chose this one and I only have the greatest respect for your choice, I do however think it is the wrong one and you are about to be bogged with little or no help for extracation I however have been down this road three times, once with my father in law (prostrate cancer) then with my mother in law (diabetes and eventually liver failure) and now with our son (cerebral palsy) we have been offered full time care for our son which we declined, the next time it is offered I think we will accept, we are not well life should not be entirely servitude, your parents were great parents the same as mine were and pluck a ducks were and joe blow across the street were hell even martin bryant parents were fantastic parents thats what we do, we sacrifice so that our kids get to have a better future than we did, we constantly strive to ensure our kids get the best of every damn thing that we didnt have, I'm up here working my butt off to get my son and us a little better life, and us a bit of a break as well, I have modified our house so as to enable me to shower our son without things getting in the way, I have modified the house so everything is on the one level basically we have rebuilt our house around our son, our life now revolves around our son regardless of how many freinds we have, when we get invited anywhere the first questions are, is our son welcome, can we toilet him there there are many things that we do everyday that the layman has no idea of, our world (soon to be yours) revolves around, day options, respite, availability of carers, whether the respite that we are offered will exist next year, whether they will cut us back next year, will the carers still accept him or can we find another company many questions that cannot be answered, what happens if I go in for surgery (I've put it off three times already because of a lack of support from care providers) dont get me started on emergency respite, it doesnt exist what happens if one of us die where does that leave our son or your mother, what about Guru, what is his HONEST thoughts are you really willing to give your life up for what will become a life of never ending servitude simply because your mother in law, father in law or whatever was very kind to you as a child, way back when hey I got news for you, thats what parents do!! nothing more nothing less, when she passes your life is over, you will be too bloody old to get out and about to be bruttally honest your charge would be far beter off in a home than in your home, they get around the clock care and are very well looked after far better than you can and you know what else, you get to keep your own life and your house and your lifestyle anyway, rant over, I'm going back to work to pay for the carers that currently have my child, you must weigh up the facts and not let blind loyalty ruin your life curse me if you will, call me names, (i've had them all) but please just stop and think just a little bit longer, bugger, that's going to plague me all day!!

For what it's worth Ma and Guru.........I agree with DaveO There are paid professionals out there to look after MIL. May take a while to find the right place, but it doesn't have to be done today. You two guys have finally found some real happiness and the perfect partner (in each other). You really should be enjoying the rest of your active lives by doing what you want and not being tied to extremely difficult and extremely tiring daily duties!! In my opinion...............do not ruin what you have finally found and don't have too many more years to enjoy. You are only here once and not for very long at that!! We all love our parents........some of us are lucky enough to like (the very few are extremely lucky enough to love) our In Laws. However this does not mean that we should "stop" living on their account. I am sure if they were asked and capable of making meaningful decisions..........they would say exactly that. My suggestion......as I said.....for what it's worth...............is to re-convene the family meeting and have another look at the situation and this time with a view to a long term solution. If one of you gets sick then what?? It takes a lot longer to recuperate at your age so the other is left holding the bundle??

Ma & Guru for what it's worth I agree with Dave and Ducky. You have taken a very courageous decision but now is the time to focus on yourselves. Find somewhere for your Mum and let professionals do the job. While it is an exceptionally hard thing to do it is the best thing for the future. From the benifit of my own experience I have seen many marriages and partnerships fail because it all gets too much and usually the male falls down in a screaming heap leaving the female to cope, she ends up going under and you have a gawd all mighty mess to resolve when you are really not emotionally capable.
The trick is to learn to remember but not relive, what our parents did or did not do for us has to be compartmentalised into a slot in our psyche to be recalled and cherished and then shoved back in it's slot untill needed again. The other problem is that this level of constant care breeds disfavour i.e. you end up not likeing the person you are caring for as their condition deteriorates, if they are totally bedridden the workload is unbelievable, if they become violent and abusive ( My grandmother in law attacked her kids and stabbed one with scissors) you become resentful scared and end up in a very touchy situation.
As I said in an earlier post I could never do this, I find it hard to cope with my inlaws who I see only a few times a year so doing the job 24/7 would do me in.

True Basil..............I forgot to mention the strain on the relationship and the results! I totally admire people who do this for a job, let alone at home.....But I couldn't do it either.

We thank you all VERY SINCERELY for your kind words, advice and sympathy.  Believe me when I say to you all that it has all been taken on board.

At this stage we feel we must push on with having Mum at home and as discussed with the family and Doctors and all associated personel, if it doesn't work or becomes too much for any of the four of us then we can revert to Plan "A".

Thankyou again,

The Costello Family.

O.K. Ma but just keep us informed will you! I cant and wont lecture you anymore! I cant change you but I can support you. all the best of british! just keep the faith and know you are not the only one going through this, there are a lot of us that understand perfectly that which you are about to embark upon! anytime you just plain want a whinge,let off steam or yak we are here, dont lose sight of us! keep the chin up! "booze helps"