man walks in to the fire department to report his wife is missing, the big irish fighter say's " 'tis the police station you'll be requiring" to which the man replies " no bloody way, last time I did that they found her"
twobob said
08:40 PM Sep 12, 2008
Ladies, these are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" - ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining ! about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine ... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the c! ouch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
I am solo, and a long way away - I can safely get away with posting the rules - maybe thats why i am solo!!
suenami said
01:01 PM Sep 14, 2008
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress pretends not to notice and asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time ?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers,
'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
dave06 said
02:34 PM Sep 14, 2008
I like it!!!
twobob said
10:16 PM Sep 14, 2008
Else where the is a post about doctors, and i unashamedly posted a bad joke. In fact at that doctors appointment I had a BURNING question, you see
When I was 20 something, and the man's "wand" (you know what I mean), well, when at the ready, with a two hand grasp, I could not bend it
In my forties, I noticed I could get a some minor movement from the straight and narrow
Now I am fifty something, I can get a real deformation
What I want to know is
Am I getting stronger?
twobob said
12:41 PM Sep 16, 2008
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went
unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age
93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started."
Gary and Kerry said
05:39 PM Sep 16, 2008
National Launch: Shell Free Fuel Offer
01/09/2008
Make sure your sound is turned up
FREE Fuel Offer
NO catch No Gimmicks No other purchase necessary this is a genuine offer to the Australian motoring Public.
This offer is Availible Australia Wide starting 6am Saturday 6th September till Midnight 28th September 2008 You can only use it once per vehical registration...Visit the Below Web site and claim your 'Free' Fuel Coupon, which will entitle the bearer to one (1) FULL tank yes FULL tank of any of shell petroleum products OR to a maximum of $150.00AU.
This offer is Shell Australias way of showing we care for this country and our valued customers, coupons may be redeemed at any shell service station outlet.
So go to the web site below PRINT off a Coupon for each vehical you own enter the vehical details and come get your FREE Fuel it's that Simple.. FREE Fuel Coupon from Shell Australia
Cuppla crude jokes for yous all; The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU ' First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels two by two Destination - Timbuktu . The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went Met three whores in a pop up tent They were three, and we was two So I bucked one, and Timbuktu . The aboriginal won.
BRITISH HUMOUR
THE TRAIN WAS QUITE CROWDED, SO AU.S. MARINE WALKED THE ENTIRE LENGTH LOOKING FOR A SEAT, BUT THE ONLY SEAT LEFT WAS BESIDE A WELL-DRESSED, MIDDLE-AGED, FRENCH WOMAN WHO HAD HER POODLE SITTING ON IT.
THE WAR-WEARY MARINE ASKED, 'MA'AM, MAY I HAVE THAT SEAT?'
THEFRENCH WOMAN JUST SNIFFED AND SAID TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR, AMERICANS ARE SO RUDE. MY LITTLE FIFI IS USING THAT SEAT.'
THE MARINE WALKED THE LENGTH OF THE ENTIRE TRAIN AGAIN, BUT STILL THE ONLY SEAT LEFT WAS UNDER THAT DOG.
'PLEASE, MA'AM. MAY I SIT DOWN? I'M VERY TIRED.'
SHE SNORTED, 'NOT ONLY ARE YOU AMERICANS RUDE, YOU ARE ALSO ARROGANT!'
THIS TIME THE MARINE DIDN'T SAY A WORD. HE JUST PICKED UP THE LITTLE DOG, TOSSED IT OUT THE TRAIN WINDOW, AND SAT DOWN.
THE WOMAN SHRIEKED, 'SOMEONE MUST DEFEND MY HONOR! PUT THIS AMERICAN BEAST IN HIS PLACE!'
AN ENGLISH GENTLEMAN SITTING NEARBY SPOKE UP. 'MY DEAR FELLOW, YOU AMERICANS SEEM TO HAVE A PENCHANT FOR DOING THE WRONG THING. YOU HOLD THE FORK IN THE WRONG HAND. YOU DRIVE YOUR CARS ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD. AND NOW, SIR, YOU SEEM TO HAVE THROWN THE WRONG BITCH OUT THE WINDOW.
twobob said
11:08 AM Sep 17, 2008
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD - S*H*I*T
Well, it's **** ... that's right, ****! **** may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider: You can get ****-faced, Be ****-out-of-luck, Or have **** for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your **** together, find a place for your ****, or be asked to **** or get off the pot.
You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget ****, and tell others to eat ****.
Some people know their ****, while others can't tell the difference between **** and shineola.
There are lucky ****s, dumb ****s, and crazy ****s. There is bull ****, horse ****, and chicken ****.
You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, shoot the ****, or duck when the **** hits the fan.
You can give a **** or serve **** on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep **** or be happier than a pig in ****.
Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****, and some days are just plain ****ty.
Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and there are times when you feel like ****.
You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the wrong **** or a lot of weird ****.
You can carry ****, have a mountain of ****, or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you fall in a bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your ****, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a ****; or not do so if you don't give a ****!
Well, ****, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a **** and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of ****. But, if you happened to catch a load of **** from some ****-head........... Well, **** Happens!!!
-- Edited by twobob at 12:09, 2008-09-17
twobob said
08:24 PM Sep 20, 2008
A Ringer named Ernie was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous country in Central Queensland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
Ernie looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Telstra RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to Google Maps page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to a NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Ernie.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Ernie says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Forward Planner for the Government', says Ernie.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the Ringer. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...
this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog
NannyMon said
06:00 PM Sep 21, 2008
Chilli Tester Named Cameron
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore know and adored by all."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a !?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled... it's kinda cute.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE; A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma !!
twobob said
08:05 PM Sep 21, 2008
and the tears flow, and the ribs hurt from laughing, Monica
I am not defeated yet, I hope
twobob said
08:15 PM Sep 21, 2008
The tears are falling as I type this ...LOL
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was Sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my dry chamber decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my bum was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.
Now repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.
Remember whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish
bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!
NannyMon said
09:08 PM Sep 21, 2008
twobob wrote:
The tears are falling as I type this ...LOL
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was Sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my dry chamber decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my bum was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.
Now repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.
Remember whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!
Excellent Bob, let me think on this one
Basil Faulty said
10:31 AM Sep 25, 2008
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello' WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?' MAN: 'Yes' WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?' MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.' WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.' MAN: 'How much?' WOMAN: '$90,000 MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000' MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.' WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!' MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
dave06 said
06:58 PM Sep 28, 2008
Hmmmm!!!! the owner will be pleased!!!
NannyMon said
04:47 PM Sep 29, 2008
While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.Eventually the topic got around to politicians and in particular Prime Ministers.
"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "Prime Ministers are what they call a fencepost turtles.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was. The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle." The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!'
twobob said
09:00 PM Sep 29, 2008
What if God IS A woman?
Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why
The waitress pretends not to notice and asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the
ostrich,
'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40
please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time ?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!'
That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers,
'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
National Launch: Shell Free Fuel Offer
01/09/2008
Make sure your sound is turned up
FREE Fuel Offer
NO catch No Gimmicks No other purchase necessary this is a genuine offer to the Australian motoring Public.
This offer is Availible Australia Wide starting 6am Saturday 6th September till Midnight 28th September 2008
You can only use it once per vehical registration...Visit the Below Web site and claim your 'Free' Fuel Coupon,
which will entitle the bearer to one (1) FULL tank yes FULL tank of any of shell petroleum products OR to a maximum of $150.00AU.
This offer is Shell Australias way of showing we care for this country and our valued customers, coupons may be redeemed at any shell service station outlet.
So go to the web site below PRINT off a Coupon for each vehical you own enter the vehical details and come get your FREE Fuel it's that Simple..
FREE Fuel Coupon from Shell Australia
Terms & Conditions | Privacy Policy
-- Edited by Gary and Kerry at 18:40, 2008-09-16
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .
The aboriginal won.
BRITISH HUMOUR
Well, it's **** ... that's right, ****!
**** may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get ****-faced, Be ****-out-of-luck, Or have **** for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your **** together, find a place for your ****, or be asked to **** or get off the pot.
You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget ****,
and tell others to eat ****.
Some people know their ****, while others can't tell the difference
between **** and shineola.
There are lucky ****s, dumb ****s, and crazy ****s. There is bull ****, horse ****, and chicken ****.
You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, shoot the ****, or duck when the **** hits the fan.
You can give a **** or serve **** on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep **** or be happier than a pig in ****.
Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****,
and some days are just plain ****ty.
Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and there are times when you feel like ****.
You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the wrong **** or a lot of weird ****.
You can carry ****, have a mountain of ****, or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you fall in a bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your ****, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a ****; or not do so if you don't give a ****!
Well, ****, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a **** and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of ****. But, if you happened to catch a load of **** from some ****-head...........
Well, **** Happens!!!
-- Edited by twobob at 12:09, 2008-09-17
Chilli Tester Named Cameron
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore know and adored by all."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE:
A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO:
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
CAMERON:
Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE:
Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON
Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE:
Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO:
A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON:
This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a !?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE:
Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO:
Hint of lime in the black beans Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
CAMERON:
I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled... it's kinda cute.
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE:
Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO:
Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON:
My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE:
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO:
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE;
A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO:
Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON:
You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE:
This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO:
A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON:
Momma !!
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins
to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008
models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$90,000
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really
a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.Eventually the topic got around to politicians and in particular Prime Ministers.
"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "Prime Ministers are what they call a fencepost turtles.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."
The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!'