Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Mary.
He tip toed as quietly as he could towards the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well" Mary said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly. It's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror"
JRH said
03:37 PM Oct 2, 2008
G'day NannyMon,
Nice one, lets see if we can keep this thread going for a little while, so here is another.
A young man enters the confessional, sits down and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned" The priest replies, "Yes my son what is the nature of your sin?" "Well father I had unprotected sex with a girl" "That is very bad my son, what is the girls name?" "I'm sorry father I cannot tell you". "You must my son if only to save her immortal soul, now was it Mary Collins or perhaps Janet O'Shaunessy". "My lips are sealed father." said the young man. "Come now my son, you must tell me her name, now was it Katie Killop, June Norman or maybe Annie Jessop". "I'm sorry father I cannot tell you and that is the end of it". Said the young man. "Well my son you have committed a grave sin and the punishment is severe". said the priest. "You are banned from Mass and Holy Communion for 3 months and you must say 5 Hail Mary's each day" The young man thanks the priest and leaves. Outside the church his friend runs up to him and with a worried look on his face he says, "Well what did you get?" The young man smiles and replies, "Three months holiday and five good contacts."
Pam said
10:55 AM Oct 3, 2008
lol
I think you really need a special section for jokes instead of it being part of the general forum,like the sharing photos but for sharing jokes
dave06 said
11:00 AM Oct 3, 2008
yes I agree but it would get so big and so unweildy that it would be just too hard to control, far better to let the thread go to the bottom and start with another, said the actor to the bishop lol.
Basil Faulty said
05:11 PM Oct 3, 2008
I have just recieved a batch of jokes from china so I'll put them all in the one post if that is acceptable.... Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so itwent until the man had gone through doors of emerald,... silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door. The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
>
>
>
. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE............
A point of view ... Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
Moral of the story is. (no matter where you go). BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!
One Monday morning the milkman was driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. > > 'Wow Bob, looks like you people had one hell of a party last night,' the milkman comments. > > Bob, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.' > > The milkman thought a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' > > Bob said, 'Well, all the men go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.' > > The milkman laughed and said, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.' > > 'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven times.'
An elderly Italian man lay dying. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite ravioli wafting up the stairs.He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.When he reached the bottom of the stairs he leaned against the door frame and gazing into the kitchen, thought he must already be in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favourite ravioli.
Was it heaven or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, wanting him to leave this world a happy man? He threw himself towards the table, landed on his knees in a crumpled posture, and with parched lips already parted anticipated the wondrous taste of ravioli in his mouth. With trembling hands he reached up to the edge of the table. Suddenly his wife smacked him hard with a wooden spoon.
'Get out of here' she said.'Those are for the funeral.' Ok enough....
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Mary.
He tip toed as quietly as he could towards the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well" Mary said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly. It's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror"
Nice one, lets see if we can keep this thread going for a little while, so here is another.
A young man enters the confessional, sits down and says
"Forgive me father for I have sinned"
The priest replies,
"Yes my son what is the nature of your sin?"
"Well father I had unprotected sex with a girl"
"That is very bad my son, what is the girls name?"
"I'm sorry father I cannot tell you".
"You must my son if only to save her immortal soul, now was it Mary Collins or perhaps Janet O'Shaunessy".
"My lips are sealed father." said the young man.
"Come now my son, you must tell me her name, now was it Katie Killop, June Norman or maybe Annie Jessop".
"I'm sorry father I cannot tell you and that is the end of it". Said the young man.
"Well my son you have committed a grave sin and the punishment is severe". said the priest.
"You are banned from Mass and Holy Communion for 3 months and you must say 5 Hail Mary's each day"
The young man thanks the priest and leaves.
Outside the church his friend runs up to him and with a worried look on his face he says,
"Well what did you get?"
The young man smiles and replies,
"Three months holiday and five good contacts."
Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes
him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud
at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door,
he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter
word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this
time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same m onastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so itwent until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
>
>
>
. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE............
A point of view ... Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in
Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their
husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands. From Miss Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the
oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?"
The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, "Land Mines."
Moral of the story is. (no matter where you go). BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!
One Monday morning the milkman was driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
>
> 'Wow Bob, looks like you people had one hell of a party last night,' the milkman comments.
>
> Bob, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
>
> The milkman thought a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
>
> Bob said, 'Well, all the men go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
>
> The milkman laughed and said, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
>
> 'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven times.'
An elderly Italian man lay dying.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite ravioli wafting up the stairs.He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.When he reached the bottom of the stairs he leaned against the door frame and gazing into the kitchen, thought he must already be in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favourite ravioli.
Was it heaven or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, wanting him to leave this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landed on his knees in a crumpled posture, and with parched lips already parted anticipated the wondrous taste of ravioli in his mouth.
With trembling hands he reached up to the edge of the table.
Suddenly his wife smacked him hard with a wooden spoon.
'Get out of here' she said.'Those are for the funeral.'
Ok enough....