Just phoned the NHS swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.

How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu !!!

Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.

The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.

If you want a clear train carriage on the way into work this week, just start coughing loudly and exclaiming "Iválgame dios!" in a Mexican accent.

Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may lead to an aporkolypse... But we'll get through.

Where there's a swill there's a way.

This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed at home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none. And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

My friend says he's got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.

I have to say, I'm finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.

How do you know if you have swine flu???? Symptom 1, runny nose, head congestion, nagging harsh cough. Symptom 2, General aches and pains throughout your body Symptom 3, Fever and sweating Symptom 4, Uncontrollable urge to roll around in the mud. Wal