All was well here at the Cove,3 am and all was well until the pop of small arms fire came through the still of the night,cripes we are under attack from an enemy yet unknown.Lights came on at the homes both sides of us,swearing and not so nice words could clearly be heard above the pop,pop of yet more gunfire.Quick Sylvia(wife)get my Navy uniform and dress sword,prepare to guard your chastity,we will fight the rabble to the last breath.Ok settle down, Ibbo use your acute Navy training and look before you run oh I mean leap.Out into the cold night I ran towards the battle,sword drawn,Wallydog backing me up with loud howling.Someone approaches crying,sobbing,tears pouring down his cheeks.I feared the worst his family had been taken prisoner or even worse.There was now an eerie silence,no more gunfire.Wait what is that strange aroma?The bludgers are using gas warfare,the strange yet familiar stench was all around us.mate how many of them attacked you."Three dozen,36 attackers",you poor bugger I told him feeling overcome with sorrow and imagining the worst for his family."I must have put too much sugar in the home brew and all the bottles have just gone up in froth and bubbles".The dog bit him,I hit him,Sylvia hit him.But wait there is more to come,further loud swearing and unladylike language rent the cold morning air.I have just opened the frig door and wine came gushing out,the wine cask had suffered a terminal knife wound,I only wanted a wine to smooth my nerves.This last statement came from my neighbours wife.The dog bit her,Sylvia just stared up to the heavens muttering something about all this terrible waste of grog.By this time a great feeling of tiredness came upon me brought on no doubt by the by the stink of un bottled beer running down the neighbours driveway.Wallydog was now lapping thirstly at the froth and bubbles a look of sheer bliss on his canine countenance.Oh well as that well known Politician once said"such is Life".Yeah I know it was Ned Kelly,but whats the difference just another name for footpads and thieves.Cheers>ibbo.

Howling with laughter  Ibbo! You aught to join Granny and submit your writings to a publisher!!

Sorry to hear about such tragic waste, happened one night many years ago to me, but it was only the kid's ginger-beer. Good luck to whoever hets the job of cleaning up the sticky mess!

The very stuff of nightmares, ibbo

A situation all of us home brewers fear above all else: Accidentally double priming the bottles before filling.

It's usually the result of some kind of distraction during that period of great exactitude when full concentration and total attention to the task in hand is required.

The time that Mum yells out; "We're out of milk. Get yourself down to the shops and buy some."
Or a kiddy falls over and grazes a knee.
Or the cat gets stuck up a tree.
Or the dog escapes down the street.
Etc.
All those life threatening disasters that take priority over everything else being undertaken at the time.

Never mind if it's putting out a fire that has the potential to destroy the garage, the car and half the house; the lack of milk for the afternoon tea guests takes precedence over all.

"Why did you have to bottle the beer on today of all days when you knew that I had the ladies coming around for tea?'

To say that the missus had probably forgotten to mention it to you, just like she'd forgotten to get an extra litre of milk for the occasion, would undoubtedly raise the expected recipe for dinner; hot tongue or cold shoulder.

That she had overlooked the fact that she was supposed to be going to her girlfriend's place for tea and not bringing the whole cabal home at all, and that it was on that basis that you had decided to do the bottling, is, of course, entirely irrelevant.

All of which is why you found yourself decanting your fastidiously fermented brew amongst the clutter of baking teacakes, scones and Anzac biscuits, with the subsequent accidental overcharging of the bottles with priming sugar, and the consequential sounds of small arms warfare some weeks later.

All because of a confusion of perceived priorities.

When I was a kid we would spend the Christmas break at Rosebud caravan park,
I slept in the annex along with the bottles of ginger beer brewing. One night was woken to a sound similar to ibbo's experience, will never forget that.

Thirty six bottles of beer on the wall, 36 bottles of beer, etc etc. What a tragedy! Oh, Ibbo you sure know how to spin a yarn. I loved it, and my tiny mind went into animation mode. It's times like this I wish I could draw. I only have memories of the ginger beer in the cellar blowing caps up to the floor above. Also a waste of my uncle's amazing home brew. He grew his own ginger and his horseradish was an education. He grew his own horseradish too. Mmmmm Bundy and G/beer - Mmmmmmmmm! Pity about the brew. You'll just have to start again.

That was sooooooooo funny. 

For those to young to remember.............in our household (Mum, Dad, meself, my brother and sister, could only have a bath 2 nights a week. Why? Because my father was mixing home brew in the bloody bathtub every other night.

pop, pop, pop, yeah know the feeling well

Well done Ibbo.......and Rolly In your case....your Navy time was well spent in learning to take "flight" I'm still laughing and thankful that I don't make home-brew. I don't think I could handle the pain of that ?? :) :)

Thank you good people.A little titalation is good fun.Cheers.Ibbo.

Careful Ibbo, too much of that could offend the politically correct, however bring it on. We can always do with a lot more titillation, and giggling too.

By Golly,one has indeed to be careful about the words we use.Oh dear I have done it again,can't say Golly.Well to make things even for the politically correct puddings,I am making a Gollywhite for my Grandaughter.This will no doubt stand next to the naked Barbie Doll and Pervy Ken.Whats next?yellow and green dominoes.The mind boggles.Cheers.Ibbo.

Sorry Ibbo..............can't have yellow. Too close.

I'm with you Granny.................bring on the Tittilations :)            best sort of 'lations, I reckon!!

Annnnd............you can have a giggle at the same time.

-- Edited by Disco Duck on Monday 19th of October 2009 02:37:43 PM

See, titillations ARE soooo versatile. It's a bit like those bottled extra virgins. You never know when you're going to need a spare virgin. I had a gollywog as a small child, but I don't know where it went. Now they're going to make Humpty Dumpty "happy again" according to an edited UK version of the original. I guess if he can be happy in small pieces, anyone can. Counselling for scrambled eggs - what next? Bloody hell! The kids won't be able to deal with anything in their lives if we keep wrapping their emotions and bodies in wads of cotton wool. What's going on here? Bring back the REAL people - the ones who can laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time, at ourselves and our mates. The kids who cry when they fall, and the mums and dads who make it alright again with a hug and "Dr. Bandaid". And Christmas Carols - let there be Christmas with carols. Bloody hell! The rest of the world must be laughing at sooky old Oz. We must be an international joke bowing down to everyone else and giving away our "she'll be right culture". No wonder we're suspicious of everyone we meet now.

Ibbo, Great story and laughed a lot. Same thing happened to me but mine was in a tin shed and I had only been in the new place for about 6 weeks. Next door all around would not speak to me or mine for some time.Very quickly found about plastic bottles.They are great when travelling. Cheers Jack.

Now we all know why they dont issue guns to ex naval types...
 us ex army would have silently removed all 36 attackers, found out who was the organization behind the raid, buried all incriminating evidence & denied anything ever happened, thats the very YEAST we would have done......... 

What an Ale you tell Biggles.Now talking about guns and the Navy,here is a true story.During the 1950 1960s we had IRA guards at all the naval Air Stations in the UK.When you were on duty you had your trusty Lee Enfiels 303 rifle,no bullets,a whistle,three Thunderflashes(Like a bloody big Bunger)an axe handle.So when or even if Paddy came to blow up the armoury or the fuel dump the Navy was prepared,........"Now men remember to point your rifle at the enemy,three loud bang bang your dead should be enough to scare away the enemy,if that fails overarm the thuderflashes towards the foe.The smell of Guiness indicated that Paddy was very close,time for the whistle,a loud piercing shrill on the whistle should do the trick.Hell he still cometh upon us,time for the axe handle,a quick parry and thrust should do the deed.About now I developed a very strong Irish accent.Exit stage left.Cheers Ibbo.(well it is 90% true).

Lee Enfield Rifle.One has to be seemingly correct,I dont fancy being titillated by the censors.Cheers Ibbo.

Ibbo...............I love your stories but I do think you need to tell them before the yummies. I'm sure the last time you told that one, there was only one hundred and seventy of them against you three. :) hehehehe (90% true?? .........Hmmm) :) How does an ex Pongo get a name like Biggles..........I thought it was an Air Force thing?? I mean you can have any name you like, I am just curious. The only reason you would have driven them off Biggles was so you wouldn't have to share the home brew. Mind you...........not a bad thing. Okay Granny...................now for the 64 dollar question.................How do you get a Virgin into the bottle to start with?? Let alone an extra one?? I never could work that one out. Don't know that I would want one of them anyway. Too pressed. Ahhhh............Christmas Carols......... Brings back memories of Carol at Christmas. She wasn't in any bottle I can tell you, (don't think she qualified since she was about fourteen) but she emptied a few. So now we have a carolless christmas, a white gollywog, humpty dumpty smiling in pieces, virgins in a bottle, counselling for scrambled eggs (I did like that one Granny), no nativity scenes....................Bring back the exploding beer bottles I say.

Hi Disco The reason I picked biggles was the love of planes, flying & all things relating to same, from a kid to now. The Australian Government in their wisdom let me play with unloaded SLR's, but no way would they be stupid enough to give me an F111. Something about F111's costing a heap of money & me having the IQ of a d*ckhead ( ie; Grunt ) Blunt, but true.......

Biggles, not wanting to waste a almost perfect beer I was to busy trying to suck up the beloved beverage to waste time trying to find the bad yeast. Naval persons may deny any incident but we cannot waste any beer. Cheers Jack.

ballast2 wrote:

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Biggles, not wanting to waste a almost perfect beer I was to busy trying to suck up the beloved beverage to waste time trying to find the bad yeast. Naval persons may deny any incident but we cannot waste any beer.
Cheers Jack.

---

Speaking with a forked tongue, no doubt.

("Shirt, that glass was sharp!")

 

No worries Biggles. I know how you feel about planes. I love them too. I actually work at the Adelaide Airport so that help my cravings I used to go to the Clipsal 500 just to see the FA18's fly over. No Viagra needed for me........one of them flying over and Woohoo!!! After reading your reply I am soooo glad the SLR was unloaded too. hehehehe. There is nothing as dangerous as Grunt with a yeast deficiency and an unloaded SLR. I can relate to the IQ rating.........something familiar about that. Seem to recall Navy shrinks mentioning something about that. The talking Tacho I assume is the Wife telling you that you are driving too fast? Ballast2...........don't tell me you are an ex pongo too??

Good grief Jess, you almost need sensoring with that FA18 reaction. You would have been in jet heaven at the Birdsville Races in 2002 - there were 4 of something which flew very fast and very low out there to celebrate the Year of the Outback. What a hoot! In my prawn boat cook/crew days '76 we had a skipper who used a 303 rifle to anchor the tinny on the beach, and then used it to shoot to raging buffaloes which had him and a crew member bailed up in a tree. Up on the north coast of NT the trees aren't very high. Click, silence - click, silence - click, booooom! We ate buffalo hind quarters fried and fricaseed for weeks.

I have cracked tiles in my laundry from ginger beer days when my sons were little. Granny, don't forget that Little Miss Muffet is not allowed to be scared by spiders and dare I mention the sheep with 3 bags full !!! Where will it all end???????

ah you see dangerous things happen when you are at home, much safer "out there" thats why I'm rarely home!

The talking tacho is the ball & chain - Its only because Senior Sergent Ritchie from the Vic Police Camera Division & I are on first name basis... I think we are exchanging Xmas cards this year. Every time I walk out the door with the car keys in my hand, she says " dont speed "- talk about giving a bloke a complex. Its a medical condition called "fast blood syndrome", combined with a small brain. Very dangerous

Pam wrote:

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Granny, don't forget that Little Miss Muffet is not allowed to be scared by spiders and dare I
mention the sheep with 3 bags full !!! Where will it all end???????

---

What the hell was a "tuffet" anyway?  I bet the spider didn't know either.
And dare we mention the colour of "that" wool from those sheep?
More sensorship! We need more sensorship.
It seems to solve everything except arthritis and other medical problems.
Perhaps someone will develop a "sensorship pill", and all will be right with the world, and peace will reign for the first time in the history of mankind.

 

With all this Political Correctness Garbage around these days what I want to know is:- How do I ask for a tin of black paint without incurring the wrath of the  racial police?

Not too many points left on the licence I gather, Biggles. It really is an expensive lesson to learn isn't it. ?? I hate paying those mongrels any money at all. I figure I pay enough through normal channels let alone sponsoring the Policemans Superannuation too. That will be a part of the revolution. No fines paid!! You are right Granny................more censorship is the only way to go. We just don't have enough rules and regulations in our lives. No Chairman............no foreman...........and evrybody is now green. Some of us are dark green and some of us are.............................. I do still like the counselling for scrambled eggs though.