I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer. A password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
-- Edited by Disco Duck on Tuesday 24th of November 2009 11:42:47 AM
-- Edited by Disco Duck on Tuesday 24th of November 2009 04:48:16 PM
Rolly said
12:59 PM Nov 24, 2009
Principle error: People trust banks.
Second error: Borrowing money.
Third error: Borrowing money without reading all of the contract that you put your signature to.
Fourth error: Believing the socio-economic propaganda that convinced you that borrowing money would 'improve' your "lifestyle".
Fifth error: Believing your peers and partners that "lifestyle" is worth the millstone of 30 years of debt.
Sixth error: Believing that the previous five points are unrealistic and that you could not possibly live a happy and productive life on less than $25,000 a year.
Seven error:........
...........well, you'd have got my drift by now.
Anyway, it's not a problem that afflicts me.
Cruising Granny said
01:02 PM Nov 24, 2009
I love it!
I recently had one of those $35 fees slapped on me when I over spent, less than 12 hours before my pension was deposited.
I phoned the computerised answering service and eventually a live real person responded to my call. I cracked the craps in no uncertain terms, as a "lady" does, and in no time I had the late fee rescinded.
It certainly does pay to speak up every time. Never accept the crap they put on you.
I've had wins over Centrelink, Telstra, Bigpond and the Bank just for speaking up. I'm usually polite and logical, but sometimes I slip into "fluent paddock French" mode.
Don't take any crap!
Disco Duck said
01:03 PM Nov 24, 2009
LOL Rolly.................sure picked the eyes out of that one.
Terro said
01:26 PM Nov 24, 2009
Isn't it great Mr Duck. I received the same mail. The heading stated that a 90 something lady wrote the letter after the said incident. I would like to believe it is true and if so what the outcome was. 30 GBP, that's a lot of dollars to pay in a late fee. We don't use a bank any more. All our money stuff is via a credit co-op. Much friendlier and no fees.
Terro.
Cruising Granny said
01:42 PM Nov 24, 2009
The banks are corporations, not customer friendly and there is no such thing as a "savings" account which could earn a little interest.
They charge fees for everything, even opening an account.
The only people who really make money out of their bank's accounts are the CEO's and the board members.
The real customers who walk in off the street get penalised for not having enough money, which helps those at the top keep themselves in the manner to which they've become accustomed.
A bit like me - single and looking for an old man with a really bad cough who could keep me in the manner to which I'd like to become accustomed.
Basil Faulty said
01:56 PM Nov 24, 2009
SOD THE BANKS Ducky why not change the name of this thread to "Bonking at its best"
ibbo said
02:25 PM Nov 24, 2009
Bang on mate,Bang on.Cheers Ibbo.
Disco Duck said
05:17 PM Nov 24, 2009
LOL yeah I wish I could Basil...................someone got screwed!! I can't change it , can I??
Yeah............I can believe you'd be a fiery old Bat too Granny......... :) True what you say. You must speak up!!
Yep.......Building co-op here too, Sir Terro. The email I got said she was 86. probably some 20y/o with nothing better to do. But if it works.
Yummie time Ibbo................ My shout!!
This would have to be true.........wouldn't it??
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer. A password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
-- Edited by Disco Duck on Tuesday 24th of November 2009 11:42:47 AM
-- Edited by Disco Duck on Tuesday 24th of November 2009 04:48:16 PM
Terro.
"Bonking at its best"