God appears to this sinful guy and says to him "if you really want to get to heaven you have to give up smoking, alcohol and sex."

The guy says "well ok I want to go to heaven, so I will try"

God comes back a fortnight later and says "how is it going"

The guy says "ok for the smokes and the alcohol, but i had a lapse with the sex"

God says "how did it happen"

Guy says "well the wife was bending over the sofa and with those beautiful legs I just couldn't control myself, so I took her right there over the sofa"

God says "well we cant have that sort of thing going on in heaven"

Guy says "they weren't too impressed in Harvey Norman either"....

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter .

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children."

The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK !!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"