The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your plane!
Aussie Paul.
aussie_paul said
11:04 PM Feb 25, 2014
A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction
" £85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
" £85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
aussie_paul said
11:05 PM Feb 25, 2014
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese: 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
aussie_paul said
11:07 PM Feb 25, 2014
We had a power outage today and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat; to top it off it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
aussie_paul said
11:09 PM Feb 25, 2014
A drill sergeant had just given a stern lecture to one of his cadets and, as he was walking away, he turned to the soldier and said: I guess when I die youll come and dance on my grave.
The cadet replied: Not me, drill sergeant, no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the army Id never stand in another line!
aussie_paul said
11:10 PM Feb 25, 2014
Business Ethics
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. Suppose a woman comes in and orders $100 worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 note.
But as she goes out the door, you realise shes given you two $100 notes.
Now, heres where the ethics comes in. Should you or should you not tell your business partner?
aussie_paul said
11:12 PM Feb 25, 2014
Last One....
As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama stridesto a warm and dignified
reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, wherethey change to a magnificent
17th century carriage, drawn by six white horses.
They continue on to Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheeringBritons. All is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous, earth shattering fart, ever heard in the British Empire.
The smell is so atrocious, that both passengersin the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses!
The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen then politely turns to President Obama and says.
"Mr President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even
a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responds.
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your plane!
Aussie Paul.
A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction
" £85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
" £85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
We had a power outage today and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat; to top it off it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
A drill sergeant had just given a stern lecture to one of his cadets and, as he was walking away, he turned to the soldier and said: I guess when I die youll come and dance on my grave.
The cadet replied: Not me, drill sergeant, no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the army Id never stand in another line!
Business Ethics
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. Suppose a woman comes in and orders $100 worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 note.
But as she goes out the door, you realise shes given you two $100 notes.
Now, heres where the ethics comes in. Should you or should you not tell your business partner?
Last One....
As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified
reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent
17th century carriage, drawn by six white horses.
They continue on to Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. All is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous, earth shattering fart, ever heard in the British Empire.
The smell is so atrocious, that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses!
The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen then politely turns to President Obama and says.
"Mr President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even
a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responds.
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
Aussie Paul.
Night all....
Aussie Paul.