Grins and Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.  Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.  Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to
come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord.  "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!  I'm going crazy.  What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.  Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

A man goes to see the Rabbi.  "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.  What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours.  You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison." 

Aussie Paul.