A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
 
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !'
 
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
 
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.'

'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
 
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
 
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing ??'
 
To which Davo replies,
 
'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '

Aussie Paul. 

Only Thirty Euro ...

An Irishman is walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Thirty euros,' she whispers.

Murphy has never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros.

So they hid in the bushes.

They're going at it for a minute or two when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's the police.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'Oi'm making love to me woife,' Paddy answers, sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

Aussie Paul. 

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy standing next to him,

"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."                        

                            
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... 
the driver won £52!                                                 

                            
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. 
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?" 
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."                         


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" 
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."   

Aussie Paul. 

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. 

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' 

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' 

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' 
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' 
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' 
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' 
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' 
Paddy said, 'Sure I can.

Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' 
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,

'What happened with that dead donkey?' 
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898.' 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' 

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.

So I gave him his £2 back.' 

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland. 

Aussie Paul. 

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me ... 

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was hard to bear. 

It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. 

I gave her a loving smile and said, 

"Get that trolley over here, love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer, for the price of 2."

Aussie Paul. 

The Duck and the Lawyer

> A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Kalangadoo .. He shot and 
> dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a 
> fence.
> As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his 
> tractor and asked him what he was doing...
> The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now 
> I'm going to retrieve it..'
> The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over 
> here.' The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in 
> South Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and 
> take everything you own.'
> The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle 
> disputes in Kalangadoo . We settle small disagreements like this with the 
> 'Three Kick Rule.'
> The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
> The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to 
> go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so 
> on back and forth until someone gives up.'
> The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he 
> could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
> The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the 
> attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot 
> into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
> His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from 
> his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his 
> rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
> Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very 
> slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his 
> jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'
> (I love this part)

> The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'

Aussie Paul.