'Dear Tony Abbott,

firstly, may I say thank you. Thank you so much.

Finally, someone with some vision and ability and leadership to take over the portfolio for women.'

For too long it's simply been women taking care of other women, and you know women can't take care of other women because we all know women intrinsically hate other women.

I mean, you'd know that first-hand, being the father of three daughters.

It takes a real man to take care of a real woman.

Well, all women.

I'm writing to you as I felt you would be the best person to seek advice from, given you are the Minister for Women's Affairs.

In the past few months I have|experience an irregular period and a painful heavy flow.

Do you recommend I lie on the floor of the shower in the foetal position....gently whimpering for 20 minutes, or taking four painkillers, getting into bed with a hot water bottle and eventually passing out from the pain.

I'm also quite interested to know|your experience with thrush.

I'm often told natural yoghurt is a good remedy, but to be honest.....that just seems messy.

Also, do you find you get a lot of unwanted attention and possible fondling of your private bits because quite clearly you must be asking for it by constantly wearing nothing but a pair of speedos, OK, clearly I am joking.

But I feel it necessary to point this out because, quite clearly, you're a dumb ###t.'

'The only way you can justify being the Minister of Women's Affairs is if there were no women.

And even then, you would have to change the title to the Minister of 'Where are all the Women?'

However, given your current Cabinet, that's probably a justified question.

Yours sincerely, Geraldine.'

I got a response.

'Dear Geraldine,

thank you for your letter.

It's so nice when a woman such as yourself takes time out from doing the ironing or the cooking.....or whatever household duties you're doing to sit down and put pen to paper.'

I'm very sorry to hear about your women problems.

In regards to your irregular period, I would recommend the first option of lying on the floor of the shower.

The abolishing of the carbon tax means you can lie in the foetal position for a little longer without worrying how much it would cost.

The money that you save means you can buy the good natural yoghurt.

And yes, it can be messy, but you'll know how to clean it up.

I, unfortunately, do not get enough attention.

I wear my speedos in the hope my wife will reach out and touch me rather than look at me with soulless eyes.

I'm a very lonely man that just wants to be loved.

I yearn for physical touch from another human being - even just a handshake - but when I try to do it a fancy way for the camera one hand ends up alone.

Just like my heart.

I get teased because of my big ears.

"Dumbo", they call me - Tony "Dumbo" Abbott.

I wish I did have Dumbo ears so I could fly far, far away.....to a land where I had a palace and I could finally become a knight and eat all the onions I want.

Your mate, Tony.'