My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.  I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. 

 
My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.  

I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?"

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters..  do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"?  

Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing.  You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time. 

 
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the **** storm that's coming.  

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.'  If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!  

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need ...  not all this, "How did you get in my house" business! 

 
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today ...  pretty sure she's going to get me something.  

On average, an Australian man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me ... I had no idea I was Japanese. 

 
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor.  

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.  
What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?  

FINALLY

.

.
When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider.  Just so I can finally hear a women say: "Oh, my God, it's huge!"