Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 'Shane's wife gave it to me.'
Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'
'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'
*****************************************
John Howard, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.
Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 25 cents. Howard just smiles.
Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the Devil why Howard got to call Australia for only 25 cents?
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the whole country has gone to hell. It's a local call."
***********************************
Q: How do you know if you're a bogan? A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table ...in front of her kids.
*********************************
A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom. While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
Possum3 said
10:13 PM Dec 24, 2015
That's it mate only pick on: the Gays, Bogans, Politicians, and Aussies.
Have a great Christmas and I look forward to a meet up in the new year - I plan on coming over to the west for a blessed event - our eighth grandchild.
Behave yourself now,
Best Regards
Possum.
Young Simmo said
12:13 AM Dec 25, 2015
Cheers Possum3, I have just finished a perfect Xmas Eve with Carnarvon Prawns, Pepper and Salt, dunked in Praise Seafood Sauce and my usual couple of cans, and am just following up with those couple of Reds to make sure I only wake up for one reason during the night. If that makes me a silly old twit, I can wear it.
Merry Xmas mate, and I will not promise to be good next year, as I took happy Sex Lessons, instead of the 3 Rs.
Cheers.......Simmo.
Kaid said
12:50 AM Dec 25, 2015
Don't change a young Simmo.
Love your irreverance.
Young Simmo said
01:11 AM Dec 25, 2015
Thanks KathnDave, I am too far past the marker to change anything, and sincerely hope you guys have a good one in 2,016. We are going around the corner for lunch, and my Supervisor is all tuned up to make sure I get home safely. So I have the hard job of making sure the BEER fridge is in a fit state. Boy, there is no let up here, but I am up to it.
Merry and Happy Xmas, and we will test the mob in the near future.
HIC, Simmo, HIC.
Being 75 is a bit better than being 7.5..... HIC, I think,,,,,,, I'm off to bed before I get into trouble, HIC.
Carl53 said
09:09 AM Dec 25, 2015
Hi Simmo,
Love the jokes and can imagine all the PC elitists now choking on their lobster tails. Keep them coming through 2016.
Thanks for the entertainment and have a safe and happy Christmas.
I am about to change in to my flannelette shirt, trackies, thongs (can't afford mochies) and sit down with a XXXX.
Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'
'Shane's wife gave it to me.'
Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'
'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'
*****************************************
John Howard, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.
Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 25 cents. Howard just smiles.
Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the Devil why Howard got to call Australia for only 25 cents?
The devil smiles and replies:
"Since Julia Gillard took over, the whole country has gone to hell. It's a local call."
***********************************
Q: How do you know if you're a bogan?
A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table
...in front of her kids.
*********************************
A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
Have a great Christmas and I look forward to a meet up in the new year - I plan on coming over to the west for a blessed event - our eighth grandchild.
Behave yourself now,
Best Regards
Possum.
Cheers Possum3, I have just finished a perfect Xmas Eve with Carnarvon Prawns, Pepper and Salt, dunked in Praise Seafood Sauce and my usual couple of cans, and am just following up with those couple of Reds to make sure I only wake up for one reason during the night. If that makes me a silly old twit, I can wear it.
Merry Xmas mate, and I will not promise to be good next year, as I took happy Sex Lessons, instead of the 3 Rs.
Cheers.......Simmo.
Love your irreverance.
Thanks KathnDave, I am too far past the marker to change anything, and sincerely hope you guys have a good one in 2,016. We are going around the corner for lunch, and my Supervisor is all tuned up to make sure I get home safely. So I have the hard job of making sure the BEER fridge is in a fit state. Boy, there is no let up here, but I am up to it.
Merry and Happy Xmas, and we will test the mob in the near future.
HIC, Simmo, HIC.
Being 75 is a bit better than being 7.5..... HIC, I think,,,,,,, I'm off to bed before I get into trouble, HIC.
Hi Simmo,
Love the jokes and can imagine all the PC elitists now choking on their lobster tails. Keep them coming through 2016.
Thanks for the entertainment and have a safe and happy Christmas.
I am about to change in to my flannelette shirt, trackies, thongs (can't afford mochies) and sit down with a XXXX.
Cheers bro.