Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile.  My reasons are numerous, and having been married for 7 years and having 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.

When first married, we were told to use the rhythm method. Despite trying to dance the quickstep whilst making love, my wife still fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the cha-cha. Where the hell would you hire a band at 5 a.m. anyway?

Someone suggested to my wife that if she jumped up and down after intercourse, this would prevent pregnancy. Well, my wife is rather large in the breast department, and after jumping up and down for 20 minutes she ended up with two black eyes, and eventually knocked herself unconscious.

I then asked a chemist about using a condom. The chemist demonstrated to me how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesnt totally surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over a banana as the chemist demonstrated can possibly prevent pregnancies.

My wife was then supplied with the coil. After several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we discovered it had a left hand thread and my wife is right handed.

We tried the pill. Being so tiny, we found it kept falling out after insertion. A mate of mine down the pub said if I put it in my shoe, it would make me limp. Again, this was unsuccessful.

The Dutch Cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it didnt interfere with our sex life. But alas, it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available, but it was much too tight across her forehead.

You must appreciate our problem. If the sterilisation operation is in anyway unsuccessful, I presume we will have to resort to Oral sex. Though, for the life of me I cant understand how talking about it can ever be a substitute for the real thing.

Yours Sincerely,

Paddy OCasey