A few laughs to start your day!!  

Murphy says to Paddy,
"What ya talkin' into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"

19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket
lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay
some flowers on a grave. As I was standing
there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking
about with a coffin. 3 hours later and
they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for
her birthday, so I went to our local pet
shop and they were Â$70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one
cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not
Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30
a.m. this morning. Can you believe that -
2:30am?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get
all her clothes back.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train
today,
she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I
thought she was dead, until I saw the red
spot on her forehead and realised she was
just on standby.

When I was in the pub, I heard a couple of
plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel
safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot
was a woman. What a pair of sexists.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to
reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle
nutter', who has stabbed six people in the
rear in the last 48 hours, believe the
attacker could be following some kind of
pattern.

Just got back from my mate's funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a
tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a
Labrador.
"Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen
how many of their owners go blind?"

Aussie Paul.