Copy & paste from MSN.
1. Where does the General keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Well-armed.
3. Whats the best thing about Switzerland?
I dont know, but their flag is a huge plus.
Right where you left it.
5. Why arent koalas actual bears?
They dont meet the koalafications
6. A bear walks into a restaurant.
He tells his waiter, I want a grilled . cheese.
The waiter says, Whats with the pause?
Whaddya mean? the bear replies. Im a bear!
7. Whats E.T. short for?
Because hes only got little legs.
8. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.
9. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, youll be a mile away, and youll have their shoes.
One shouts to the other I need you to help me get to the other side!
The other guy replies, Youre on the other side!
11. Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
12. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
13. What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?
Close the door, Im dressing.
14. I stand corrected!
Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
15. I used to be addicted to soap.
But Im clean now.
16. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
17. Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen has reigned there for years.
18. Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.
They always take things so literally.
19. What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
20. A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish.
The salesman asks him, Do you want an aquarium?The guy responds, I dont care what star sign it is!
21. What do you call bears with no ears?
B
22. Whats a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
23. Exaggerations have become an epidemic.
They went up by a million percent last year.
24. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
25. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
26. Whats the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer goes *whack* darn and a skydiver goes darn *whack*.
27. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, theyre not laughing now!
28. Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, You ever worry about that mad cow disease?The other cow says, Why would I care? Im a helicopter!
29. I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
Youre looking sharp.
Copy & paste from MSN.
1. Where does the General keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
2. How does a squid go into battle?
Well-armed.
3. Whats the best thing about Switzerland?
I dont know, but their flag is a huge plus.
4. Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it.
5. Why arent koalas actual bears?
They dont meet the koalafications
6. A bear walks into a restaurant.
He tells his waiter, I want a grilled . cheese.
The waiter says, Whats with the pause?
Whaddya mean? the bear replies. Im a bear!
7. Whats E.T. short for?
Because hes only got little legs.
8. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.
9. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, youll be a mile away, and youll have their shoes.
10. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river.
One shouts to the other I need you to help me get to the other side!
The other guy replies, Youre on the other side!
11. Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
12. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
13. What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?
Close the door, Im dressing.
14. I stand corrected!
Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
15. I used to be addicted to soap.
But Im clean now.
16. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
17. Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen has reigned there for years.
18. Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.
They always take things so literally.
19. What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
20. A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish.
The salesman asks him, Do you want an aquarium?The guy responds, I dont care what star sign it is!
21. What do you call bears with no ears?
B
22. Whats a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
23. Exaggerations have become an epidemic.
They went up by a million percent last year.
24. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
25. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
26. Whats the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer goes *whack* darn and a skydiver goes darn *whack*.
27. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, theyre not laughing now!
28. Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, You ever worry about that mad cow disease?The other cow says, Why would I care? Im a helicopter!
29. I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
30. What did the swordfish say to the marlin?
Youre looking sharp.