1. Don't greet us with the words"you'll need a stretcher". If you're an accountant, would you expect me to come to your work and say "You'll need a calculator"? No... then rack off!

2. If you call an ambulance, make some kind of effort to make yourself/your house visible. Turning on an outside light, getting someone to stand outside and wave us down (see point 3), giving the operator an idea of local landmarks. Saying I'm in Newcastle does NOT help.

3. If you are the aforementioned waving gimp, a simple sticking out of the hand as if you were waving down a taxi will suffice. Performing actions that make you look like an epileptic mating with a windmill will not expedite our arrival. In fact we may just drive past for the hell of it.

4. If you got yourself upstairs, you sure as hell can yourself downstairs. We'll wait for you.

5. Abdominal pain does not affect the motor function of the legs. You can still walk.

6. If I came and sat in your house, urinated on the floor, threw up on myself and fell asleep on a chair, you may be annoyed. So, don't do it in my ambulance.

7. Don't even think about hitting me, I can kill you and leave no trace.

8. Unless there is a very good reason you go to the A&E of my choice. Good reasons include:
            a. it's a fun drive with great scenery.
            b. it's about lunchtime and the canteen is pretty good.
            c. the nurses are pretty.
            d. it's nearly knock of time and it's closer to my station.

9. Did I mention that if you do succed in assaulting me, my friends the Police will make sure you get a touch up in return and it'll hurt. I may also casually remark to some of their sources inside that you told me how much you hate cops and reckon they're all pussies.

10. Grannies, pay attention; if you have a chest pain, don't wait until morning to call because "you didn't want to be a bother". Trust me, be a bother, thats what we are actually here for ( this is probably the most serious point)- if you have chest pain, call 000 for heaven's sake!

11. If you've been drinking, don't lie about the amount. We're not the bloody cops.

12. If you've taken drugs tell me. I can guess. And so can the purple elephant. Trust me, the majority of us have experienced unofficial medication in the past, so we know when we are being lied to.

13. Being above the 5th floor of a block of flats is a capital offence.... sriously... it is. If you live on any floor above the 5th, we will wait for you to come down and meet US. We may even set fire to your apartment to exoedite this.

14. If your first words to us are "you took your time" then they may well be your last.

15. Living in the middle of nowhere has its advantages. It also means that it may take a bit of time to get to you. We drive big vans, not the Starship Enterprise.

16. If you are homeless, and you cold and fancy going to the A&E for a bit of food and a cup of tea.. tell me. Don't lie and say you have chest pain.

17. We can spot a fake fit 8 kilometres off.

18. If you have a very sick baby, an ambulance crew will rapidly appear behind you by magic.

19. Do you know what the treatment is for someone feigning unconsciousness? Well it involves rubber gloves and.....

20. Try and avoid having your emergency 15 minutes before our shift change.

21. If you deny having chest pain to me, don't then go and confess you actually have got chest pain to the Doctor when we arrive at hospital. That evidence is inadmissable!

22. Don't cough up half a bag of blood-stained sputum and lung pieces and then say "there's nothing wrong with my lung!"

23. We do care, but the job does get to you. So please take the cynicism, sick humour and temper with a pinch of salt. Especially if you call me out at five minutes to knock off! 

Terro.