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Hearing
(Preview)
An old bloke went to the doctor and complained that he had a hearing problem. The doctor said "Tell me about your symptoms "The old bloke said; "Well Homer is a fat guy and Marge has got blue hair".
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Possum3
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2
|
756
|
|
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Something for the pup .
(Preview)
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Aus-Kiwi
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0
|
723
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|
|
|
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Lost
(Preview)
John and Sonya are flying to Australia for a two week holiday to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the speaker the captain announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I...
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Possum3
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1
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687
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|
|
|
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A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop.
(Preview)
A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'It's $...
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aussie_paul
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1
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830
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|
|
|
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Funerals
(Preview)
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered with flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor behind the beautiful heart forever. At that point on...
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Possum3
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1
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788
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|
|
|
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Retired Sailor
(Preview)
A retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well, ol...
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Paintar
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1
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791
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|
|
|
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Starts with "F" and ends with "K"
(Preview)
Let's see who has a clean mind here.Starts with F and ends with K A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she...
|
Dave1952
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3
|
955
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I think you will all sing along with this one. I did!
(Preview)
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's ok...
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MOLLUSCAN
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1
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726
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|
|
|
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Visiting Granny.
(Preview)
A grandmother is giving directions to her adult grandson who is coming to visit. You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elb...
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Possum3
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0
|
765
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|
|
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What time does the store open?
(Preview)
The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home: "Hello!" "At what time does the store open?" "At ten o'clock sir". At two in the morning, the phone rings again: "HELLO!" "Ya (burp), at what time does, euh, the store open?" "AT TEN IN THE MORNING, sir". Again, at four, the phone rings: "H!...
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fwdoz
|
1
|
665
|
|
|
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Nursing Home h
(Preview)
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use...
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oldbloke
|
1
|
769
|
|
|
|
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The Dying Priest
(Preview)
The Dying Priest In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the pr...
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Dave1952
|
0
|
536
|
|
|
|
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Golfer
(Preview)
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes."Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"Thinking the man is craz...
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oldbloke
|
1
|
650
|
|
|
|
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Gym membership.
(Preview)
I just joined a Gym and signed up for a fitness class, They told me to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had loose fitting clothing I wouldn't have joined the Gym.
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Possum3
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0
|
703
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|
|
|
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Tact....
(Preview)
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aussie_paul
|
1
|
733
|
|
|
|
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Sick child
(Preview)
A young girl has a terrible case of the flu, she is achy, has a high fever and is terribly hoarse. After waiting for the doctor for over an hour she is finally admitted. After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the doctor looks at the girl and says, so what would you say is...
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Possum3
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0
|
737
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|
|
|
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World Cup Final
(Preview)
It's the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbour "The seat is empty". "This is incredible" said the man "Who in their r...
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fwdoz
|
1
|
641
|
|
|
|
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Airport
(Preview)
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. AIR 2771, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING? I told you to turn RIG...
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fwdoz
|
1
|
668
|
|
|
|
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TEXT TO NEIGHBOUR:
(Preview)
TEXT TO NEIGHBOUR:Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. Ive got a confession to make. Ive been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least Im telling you in this text and I cant live with myself a minute longer without you knowing abo...
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Paintar
|
2
|
957
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|
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What percentage?
(Preview)
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound slee...
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fwdoz
|
0
|
811
|
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