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More dad jokes
(Preview)
Dogs cant operate MRI machines. But catscan. I went to play with my boomerang, but forgot how to use it. Then it came back to me. A monk paid $20 for a hotdog. When he asked the vendor where his change was, the vendor replied "Change comes from within" Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they are she...
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fwdoz
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1
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645
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But wait theres more
(Preview)
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, Ill serve you, but dont start anything. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems. Without geometry life is pointless. A termite walks into a bar and asks Is the b...
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fwdoz
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1
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781
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Irish Sawmill Accident
(Preview)
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh...
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Dave1952
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1
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817
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Turnbull and the Engineer
(Preview)
Whether you like him or not...it is funny!Turnbull was in a hot air balloon and realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below so he descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised Bill Shorten I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.' The man b...
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Dave1952
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799
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And still they come
(Preview)
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves After the helicopter crash, the blonde pilot was asked what happene...
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fwdoz
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0
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672
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You got the hide to call me Coloured
(Preview)
When I born, I black,When I grew up, I black,When I sick, I black,When I go out in the sun, I black,When I cold, I black,When I die, I still be black,But you, When you born, you pink,When you grow up, you white,When you sick, you green,When you go out in the sun, you red,When you're cold, you blue,When you d...
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Dave1952
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1
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715
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A Grave Situation
(Preview)
This one is a bit longer but some Australian Bush Poetry is very funny! Full marks to Claude Morris on this one! A Grave Situation© Claude Morris When I staggered away from my favourite pub, The night was dark and still, And I thought I'd take a short cut home, That led over Cemetery Hill. Now I'm not a he...
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Dave1952
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0
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920
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The Pig
(Preview)
The Pig'Twas an evening in November As I very well remember I was strolling down the street in drunken pride But my knees were all a-flutter So I landed in the gutter And a pig came up and lay down by my sideYes, I lay there in the gutter Thinking thoughts I could not utter When a lady passing by did softly say...
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Dave1952
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626
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The baseball
(Preview)
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.The little boy...
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rgren2
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1
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668
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New neighbour.
(Preview)
A woman was spying on her new neighbours who moved in the week before. Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why dont you do that? The woman asked her husband. How can I? I dont even know her, he said.
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Possum3
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1
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798
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Where Did White fella Go Wrong?
(Preview)
A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done." The elder nod...
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aussie_paul
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2
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759
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Manatee
(Preview)
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater"I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I...
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rgren2
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826
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lol...
(Preview)
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?-A depresso. Aussie Paul.
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aussie_paul
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662
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Sherlock Holmes
(Preview)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see". Watson replied "I see millions and millions of...
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fwdoz
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1
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757
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Lonely widow.
(Preview)
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person. The following day, she heard the doorb...
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Possum3
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1
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1045
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Stuff that will keep you awake at night
(Preview)
-What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing it? -If poison is past its expiry date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?-Which letter is silent in the word "Scent", the S or the C? -Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work. -...
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fwdoz
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0
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851
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The funeral procession
(Preview)
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walki...
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fwdoz
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0
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605
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The car salesman
(Preview)
A retired older couple returned to a Cadillac dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini-skirt and a halter top.The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply "Young man, I thought you said you would hold...
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fwdoz
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0
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613
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Donating old clothes
(Preview)
One day a woman decided to gather up all of her old clothes that she no longer wore and donate them. She got them all bagged up, walked into the living room where her husband was watching TV and said "Look at this! I'm going to donate all of these old clothes!" The husband replied "Why don't you just thrown t...
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fwdoz
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0
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674
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Russian Maid.
(Preview)
The Russian maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was inclined to refuse but decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, "Now Anna; why do you want more pay?" ... Anna: "Well, Ma'am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you." Wife: "Who said you...
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Possum3
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2
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897
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