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heaven as told by an older lady
(Preview)
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. Don't worry about that, says St. Peter, It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings. The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries...
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Pete49
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2
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703
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Terrorism
(Preview)
DATELINE: NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he...
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rockylizard
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0
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566
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THE WIDOW
(Preview)
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's t...
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sarg
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0
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591
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London Cabbie
(Preview)
A devout middle eastern gentleman entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to the music because, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of t...
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Magnarc
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0
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605
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Call Up - Guys Over 60
(Preview)
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier... New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards. Instead of sendi...
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barina
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2
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912
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Irish Millionaire
(Preview)
Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf. Jimmy said, Im gonna do dat when I win da lottery. What's dat den? asks Mikey. Send me lawn away to be mowed."
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copper1
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1
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680
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ONE for the OLD FELLA'S
(Preview)
A little old man totters into a chemist to buy some Viagra."Can I have 6 tablets please and I want each of them cut into quarters"The chemist says "I can do that sir, but a quarter will not give youa full erection""I am 96 and don't have much use for an erection. I just w...
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gerard gue
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1
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769
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Grand Parents...
(Preview)
GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp ....... If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is......then se...
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Big Gorilla
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1
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767
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Sweet Little Poem.
(Preview)
A fart is a pleasant thing...It gives the belly ease... It warms the bed in winter... And suffocates the fleas. A fart can be quiet... A fart can be loud... Some leave a powerful... Poisonous cloud A fart can be short... Or a fart can be long... Some farts have been known... To sound like a song...
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barina
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0
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793
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HEAVENLY TALK;
(Preview)
.Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 1st woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I d...
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justcruisin01
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0
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588
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It could happen to anyone...
(Preview)
I swallowed some Tippex last night. Woke up with a massive correction.
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rockylizard
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0
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563
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Irish Coffee
(Preview)
Irish Coffee An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when...
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copper1
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2
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831
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LUBRICANT;
(Preview)
Lubricant Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited b...
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justcruisin01
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0
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696
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PRICELESS!
(Preview)
PRICELESS! A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ... "The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-...
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gerard gue
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0
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513
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A BLONDE ORDERS A BEER;
(Preview)
A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a gu...
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justcruisin01
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1
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731
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WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!
(Preview)
WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!! The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandm...
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Big Gorilla
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2
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879
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THE DRUNK.
(Preview)
THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma'...
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sarg
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3
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2205
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Priceless
(Preview)
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO no...
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spida
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0
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609
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Thoughts for the Day...
(Preview)
Thoughts for the day ; ..As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore. ..If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. .. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. .. A rabbit ru...
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Big Gorilla
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1
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1876
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DO THE MATHS;
(Preview)
Do the maths...... The owner of a business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from University and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take of...
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justcruisin01
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0
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634
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