DUE TO WORLD FINANCIAL CRISIS  AND  BUDGET CUTS,  THIS IS YOUR NEW
OFFICE



EFFECTIVE APRIL 1, 2009

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You  are advised to come to work dressed according to
your  salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying  a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and  therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you  need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy  nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4)  If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and  therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no  longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you  are able to go to the doctor, you are able
to come to work.

Personal  Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days  a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement  Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is  nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.  Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend  the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases  where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should  be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow  you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one  hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely  too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict  three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three  minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,  the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After  your
second offense, your picture will be posted on  the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic  Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will  be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch  Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for  lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look  healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get  a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby  people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time  needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty  to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment  experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns,  complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations,  insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations,  consternation
and input should be directed  elsewhere.