Important Information on the Stimulus Payment  
 
"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.  This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:  
 
"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?  
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.  
 
"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.  
 
"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. Only a smidgen.  
 
"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.  
 
"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A.  Shut up."  
 

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

 If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.  
 
If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.  
 
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.  
 
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or New Zealand.  
 
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.  
 
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.  
 
And none of it will help the economy.  
 
We need to keep that money here.  

You can keep the money here by spending it at garage sales, going to a football game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still here