Hi Kantiki .. I endorse what Chris & Robbie are saying .. go by the heart ! .. and then be happy in the desion you've made ..

My darling Mum is in the 80's and oh so independant .. but struggling physically ! She won't hear of me "checking" in on her .. and she can lie through her teeth in her declaration of her independance .. Hide of leather and a heart of pure Gold !!

It's important that once you've made a decision, that you're happy about it and don't look for alternatives in restrospect ..

I lost my wife to cancer 6 years ago .. my brother passed in Feb this year from a heart attack .. and my Mum needs help .. yes .. but she needs her independance more ..

.. and I'm very happy with life as it moves on ..

Jon 

I have 2 sets to cope with. They are so independant and refuse help.....Ok so what do you do? For your own piece of mind have them assesed by ACAT (Aged Care Assesment team - part of centrelink). They will then if needed offer what ever assistance is required and you can quietly retreat to your own life. Now you can't simply abandon them because they will still need checking up on, things like cleaners turning up to clean but instead just socialising but the amount of care available is amazing, cleaning, companionship, shopping, bill paying, Hairderssers, Doctors etc. The hard part is getting them to accept the help and I find the line about "You've paid your taxes all your life so get your own back on the government" They all hate being ripped of by the Govenment "Bloody Arthur Calwell and Menzies are out to get me you know".....

It's tough I know however if you either try and manipulate them or let them manipulate you, you are the one who will in reality suffer.

I hear it all the time, "I want to travel but mum/dad needs to be taken to the Doctor each tuesday at 10:30"... The oldies treat doctors as Gods...

My advice would be to get them sorted so that IF THEY NEED CARE THEN THEY HAVE ACCESS TO IT and you can enjoy your travel. Now if the worst were to happen there are not to many places in Australia where you cannot get home in a hurry.... And lets face it, being totally honest and frank unless you are with them and they have a heart attack, or step in front of a bus, fall down a flight of stairs there is not much you can do anyway is there.
There is always going to be some problem to stop you if you let it so you can't plan for what is a good or bad time in the context of your question.

I don't think anyone would be offended by your post, it is a topic that many of us have to deal with and discussing it openly and honestly is to your credit.

MIL has Dementia and her family is struggling with accepting the world she now lives in.
She resides in a pleasant NH and seems to be happy in her own little world.

I heard this ballad awhile ago and it seems to make sense of this horrible  disease

Down Memory Lane
Milton Taylor

He stands in the doorway, and try though he might,
He cannot recall should he turn left or right.
Puzzled, he pauses, alone in the hall,
And he wonders why ever he waits there at all.
'Til a nurse comes to free him from further despair;
Gently, she leads him to sit in his chair.
It's happened before and will do so again;
He's taking wrong turnings down memory lane.

He's restlessly combing the files of his mind
For details he seeks that his brain cannot find;
Angrily cursing with muttered vexation
And finding no answers to solve his frustration;
Speaking a language that few comprehend
While suffering from damage no doctor can mend.
And I watch him, and I think it's a horrible shame
That he's taking wrong turnings down memory lane.

I sit myself down in a chair by his side
And I hope he can't see how I'm hurting inside;.
Whilst hoping that this time, somehow, he might see
His visitor clearly - and recognize me.
He frowns as he searches for time and for place
To give him clue as he looks at my face.
Then, he smiles, as he tries to remember my name.
He's fumbling and stumbling down memory lane.

I think of the old times, the good times we had,
When I wasn't a stranger and he was my dad.
I blink back my tears as my heart churns with pain,
Watching him struggling; then lapsing again.
It's an on-going battle he fights every day;
Searching for signposts to show him his way.
But those signposts are smudged out and covered with stain,
And all pointing the wrong way down memory lane.

He whistles his sheep dog, then orders him back
As he gropes for the stockwhip he wishes to crack.
Then, not finding it, whispers, "They're all thieves in here;
They ransack me room and they pinch all me gear.
But I'll borrow some horses from Nugget or Roy;
I can't stay to talk now, I've got to go, boy."
There's a drover's mob waiting, somewhere, in his brain,
And he's mustering the stragglers from memory lane.

When my visit is over I kiss him goodbye;
Resenting that lost, haunted stare in his eye
As he looks for the road home he won't find today,
With dead ends and cul-de-sacs blocking his way.
So, I call up the memories I have as a kid;
Reviving the joys of the good things we did.
And I'm thankful that my path is clear cut and plain,
And I don't take wrong turnings down my memory lane.

Memory lane, down memory lane,
Looking for landmarks that won't come again.
He's old and confused; he isn't insane.
Just taking wrong turnings down memory lane.



-- Edited by Gary and Kerry on Monday 31st of August 2009 11:12:12 AM

It's a terrifing ailment that is terminal. It upsets the relatives more than the sufferer, I wonder at times if I am doing the right thing visiting with Gracie, they all know Gracie but their own kids are total strangers.

An Aged Care Worker who I know rather well says it is natures anasethetic - You loose all congnative abilities and pass away, rather than going to your maker with the knowledge that you are which must also be terrifing like someone in a plane that is going to crash and you have a few minutes to live....

Yes Granny the hair colour does tend to give it away, I even thought of using "Gray Away" but a lady who I'd like to know more intimatley said "what BS Basil you look distinguished"....

It's a very tough situation to find yourself in but unless you are trained to cope or work with the aged it is best to get help from somone who can do it properly and get on with what is left of your own life.

Just make sure they are ready, wills, powers of attorney, burial/cremation wishes and what medical treatment they want. Not just verbally but written down and signed and witnessed so that arguements are avoided.

If your relative is an Ex-service person also see the RSL they have councellors and welfare officers who have certain powers and often can help cut red tape and will also be there at your time of need and can help arrange funerals etc when you are very fragile mentally and are in no position to cope.

We've had lost of discussion along these lines, it's very difficult but it is best if it is discussed as with a little knowledge you can make your own decision.

Hi Basil,
Seeing someone pass away is no picnic and on our travels around Australia we have just began working in Aged Care.The residents do have heaps to offer and when you look into their eyes you just know that many of them have memories that are very real.What joy Gracie must have must have brought to that WW11 pilot. Isnt life so precious
Chris and Robbie

Yes Ibbo a beautiful poem, Thanks from us too.
Chris and Robbie

thankyou all for your comments. I certainly helps to hear other peoples views. And thankyou Gary and Kerry for the beautiful poem.

Cruising Granny wrote:

---

I guess you know Basil how much Gracie means to the people who can't remember anything but the family dog.
Years ago I did a story about "pets as therapy" when they introduced a labradoodle to a nursing home in Port Lincoln. There were about 8 people sitting around a round table, conducting conversations with each other about totally unrelated topics.
One talked about going shopping, while the person she was talking to was talking about the garden, yet when the dog walked around to them they stopped talking, patted the dog and called him whatever the family dog was called in their younger days. Comical, but sad.
The dog probably had 15 different names, but the impact his presence had on those people was amazing.
We have digressed somewhat from the original topic, but it's all relevant. Cheers Chris

---

I just wonder what it is with animals that have this effect on us humans. "Pets as therapy" is now an established practise, it seems to matter little if it is Charles & Diana the goldfish, Billy the blue budgie, Vili the housetrained alpaca or Gracie the wonderdog, they all have this amazing effect on the human psyche. As you say Granny their mere presence has astounding results.