"First we had ABS" explained Dren Das, Mistota's Chief Engineer. "ABS is great, stops wheels locking up. It's better than a human driver. Then we had traction control, which stops wheels spinning. Who needs difflocks? Traction control is automagic, is good."

Mr Das continued. "Then came electronic stability control. Our marketing guys had a lot of fun with that, they called it a lot of really cool names. It stops you oversteering and understeering, even if you don't know what that means! It's great!"

"But we still weren't happy. But then we also have a system for descending hills, starting on hills. Nearly everything covered!"

"Now the marketing people were really pleased, not only could they invent exciting names for all these individual technologies to impress the public, but they could bundle it all up and create a new umbrella term like Driver Technology Aids, or DTA. Acronyms sound good, don't they?"

Mr Das paused, and stopped fiddling with his new mobile phone.

"But the problem is all this is reactive technology! It waits for the human to make a mistake! That's not good! So we invented a Technology Assist System, or TAS! And I have one right here!"

A gorgeous model appeared in a cloud of dry smoke, clad in lycra to show she was a Lifestyle Person who would definitely buy a 4WD with a mountainbike or two on the roofrack, and park it jauntily close to the edge of a ruggedly scenic cliff while she abseiled down it with her equally good looking boyfriend to the backdrop of a beautiful sunset.

"Here! We have one TAS!"

The audience was puzzled. Where? All they could see was the mythical 4WD buyer.

"Here! She will assist the technology to drive the car! She is the Technology Assist System! A great breakthrough, no? Human will assist the technology, better than technology assists the human! Questions, please!"

There was a stunned silence. The inevitable had happened. Then the audience recovered.

"So you're saying the car drives itself? What does the TAS do, start the car?"

"No, the car is a self-starter, team player, highly motivated, excellent references, needs no supervision, is good with children. No need for starting. You need to buy it, no more."

"What about driving?"

"Car self-drives. You tell it where to go. Or, it decides itself."

"How?"

"Downloads waypoints. Scans books. Posts on Overlander forum under the name of [unintelligible] and gets information. But, we are working on fine tuning that software, it is not so intelligent."

"So you don't need to be there?"

"No. Car will drive off, get dirty so looks cool, send video back to you, then posts on forum too. Complete 4WD experience, no need to leave your house. Optional virtual-reality experience sends in real-time information back to car simulator at house, except for the actual mud, but we are working on that too. You have photographs, videos, car looks the business too, so you have credibility! Good time-saver, no?"

"How does it cope with rough terrain?"

"Finds mudbog, uses radar scanner to create 3D model of depth, viscosity. Much better than poking sticks or small children into the mudbog. If the mud will look cool on the car later and calculates car will not get stuck, will enter mudbog, get muddy. For hills, radar creates another 3D model, calculates best way up hill and if possible. Works much more accurate than old method of measuring sphincter contraction."

"What's the low range reduction?"

"There is only one trim level, GST-XL, no low range."

"The tyres don't look all that good for offroad work?"

"They are 335/5/R28. No, they are a very good tyre, already beating laptimes around our test track."

"Hmm. What's the articulation?"

"Car can articulate very well, is fluent in 25 languages."

"I mean the suspension travel."

"Not necessary, we have pre-emptive traction control, it stops wheelspin before it starts. New mechanism of distributing torque 50/50 to both wheels on an axle at all times under offroad conditions."

"That'd be a difflock, then?"

"Yes, but we will think of some other name with acronyms, obviously. Our marketing people are in a thinktank right now."

"You mean they're half-cut at a boozy lunch?"

"Next question, please."

"What sort of terrain can it handle?"

"Very difficult terrain. The roughest graded tracks. Grass. Snow. Gravel. Potholes, even filled with water. Any normal kerb, it just laughs and takes it on."

"What about bashplates, protection?"

"We have anti-theft mechanism, no need to worry about bashing, you are not there anyway so no need for protection, but if you are we have airbags on the front, side, top, bottom, a-pillar, b-pillar and c-pillar. If the crash is going to be bad the car will notify your funeral agent and insurance company as required, email details of the crash with onboard video."

"So it's smart. But how does it open and shut gates?"

"Optional mini-robot is carried in passenger seat, deployed to operate most gates. For added realism, the robot complains if it has to open more than one gate in an hour, swears if cannot open gate mechanism within thirty seconds and will steal your cold drinks from the fridge."

"What if it finds a tree across a track?"

"Will not happen, is linked to satellite pictures which give it a complete view of any potential track blockages. Calculates probability of tree or other blockage based on continuous weather forecasting and mathematical models of forest behaviour. Also, recall the mini-robot passenger; he can move trees too, but is programmed to complain about it."

"What's the mathematical model for a nine-foot roo jumping out from behind a bush?"

"Car will sense roo via radar, infra-red, take avoiding action. Have used random number generator to simulate logic of roo in bush."

"So do you need to do anything, other than buy it?"

"Yes, must enter PTI, or Piss Take Index. Determines the comments the car makes if a different vehicle is having problems. Set for low it tries to help, set to high it just sits there revving its engine and says "you should have bought a Mistota, mate". Also must set parameters around quantity of UHF radio communications, from lurking-ghost to verbal diarrhoea. We like to personalise the car for our customers, you must of course enjoy the complete 4WD experience."