ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

by John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
 "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
 been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.
 
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."
 
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
 "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
 levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
 they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
 These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
 can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
 "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
 cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final
 escalation level.

 A final thought - " Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC".