12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a pansy in front of your older brother's friends.
It's suppose to be lemon flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything lemon in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You down a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted poop in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.
Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to God there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary,...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The poop/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.
Is that blood?
False alarm.
That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid poop fart as it gurgled out of your butt.
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have pooped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.
You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times.
You have the poop sweats.
You meet Jesus.
8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.
You're broken.
Your butthole's broken.
Your spirit's broken.
Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a poop stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.
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Possum; AKA:- Ali El-Aziz Mohamed Gundawiathan
Sent from my imperial66 typewriter using carrier pigeon, message sticks and smoke signals.
Ever had a Colonoscopy. This is you if you have. I am currently having one every month, for a certain reason, and it is hell. Cannot even get away from the toilet, as have to stay on Senna tabs, between operations, as well. Have at least 2 more OP's to do in the next month. PRAY FOR ME!
Holly crap, thats the funniest thing i have seen this week.
It is eh, possum cracked a pearler. I reckon BC is over reacting, I've had worse things coming violently out of my bum an hour after a visit to an early morning Hungry Jacks drive thru on what was going to be a work day.
Oh how I can relate to this I were in the Philippines some years back with a couple of mates we were having lunch in a giant supermarket place when the urge hit me ,well now as some of you may know theres no seat on the toilets in a lot of places in the Philipines well there I am knees bent bending over the portal well my aim wasnt good enough for the rocket launching pressure that had suddenly built up and I overshot the back of the throne , after much stress , strain and pain I were eventually somewhat settled and discovered my aim was deficient , now some will also know that you need to take your own paper as none is supplied, well now my personal supply was surely not near enough for this occasion, but I just had to make do , now let me tell you I were not in any condition to be doing the extensive clean up that was truely required but I did my best with what I had , now there had been several knocks on the door by other patrons wishing to use this facility which I hastily informed them I were " busy " in here .
Well eventually I got my self cleaned up enough to move to much better breathing quality air , as I were leaving I quietly advised the waiting line that I wouldnt recommend entry for quite sometime just yet , I quickly returned to my travelling mates to inform them I were returning to the motel with some urgency, Im sure you can imagine the Helpfull advice I received .
Well out the front I flagged down a taxi got in showed the driver the hotel card with address that I needed to get to while informing him that he did not need me in his taxi one second longer then absolutely necessary Im sure he could smell the urgency in my voice as another round was bubbling away waiting for the next volcanic eruptions, fortunately for both of us we made the motel in good time , for which he received a handsome tip as I had no time to wait for the change as I walked as fast as I could while keeping the cheeks tightly clenched together I made my room with milliseconds to spare .
Then the rest of my evening was a simple round robyn, toilet , shower short lie down on the bed and repeat , at least four times but who was in any condition to count , now by this time there was nothing left that I had eaten in the last two months , let me tell you there is nothing enjoyable about trying move something that simply isnt there to move, dry teaching from that end is no fun .
Fortunately I made a full recovery over night and was able to return to our travels, but that was one night I will never forget .
Woody .
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When the power of Love becomes greater than the love of power the World will see peace ! 24ft Trailblazer 5th wheeler n 05 Patrol ute and Black Series Dominator camper trailer ( for the rough stuff)
Holly crap, thats the funniest thing i have seen this week.
It is eh, possum cracked a pearler. I reckon BC is over reacting, I've had worse things coming violently out of my bum an hour after a visit to an early morning Hungry Jacks drive thru on what was going to be a work day.
That colonoscopy preparation meds starts at 3pm, and it starts coming out at 4.30 pm, that is where you stay for the next 13 hours, so I am definitely not over reacting..
