The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldnt make a decision.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children  just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, Close enough.

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing Ive ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. Im self-employed. Were having a meeting.

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I cant figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. Hes 5 and its past his bedtime.

Todays 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favourite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Dont ask your wife when dinner will be ready while shes mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim. I feel so much better saying, I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.