Ive learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
Im responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
Its not my age that bothers me; its the side effects.
Im not saying Im old and worn out, but I make sure Im nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore. . . . I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer: "It was just one sit-up.
As Ive gotten older, people think Ive become lazy. The truth is Im just being more energy efficient.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.AI is definitely a BIG help.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if youre still a dumbass.
There is no such thing as a grouchy older person. The truth is that once you get older, you stop being polite and start being honest!
