So cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren't. That must be frustrating.

Still trying to get my head around the fact that the words 'Take-Out' can mean food, a date, or murder.

I too was once a male trapped in a female body ...and then I was born.

When I lost two fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I'd still be able to write with it. He said, "Possibly, but I wouldn't count on it."

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise daily. But that was five hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

The biggest joke on humans is that computers have begun asking us to prove we aren't robots.

When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor".

If Adam and Eve had been really smart, they'd have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

My wife said, "Nothing rhymes with orange." I said, "No, it doesn't."

The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.

I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

Exercise helps you with decision-making. It's true. I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again.