Aye, its all going like magic, says Jock.

I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night

Archie nods approvingly.

Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in! continues Jock. A kilt? exclaims Archie, Thats grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And whats the tartan?

Ach, says Jock, I imagine shell be in white.

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo-------------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores

than let liquor touch my lip.

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't

know we had a choice!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo-----------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your friggin plane!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off.

I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! .. I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit

bag to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo-----------------

Paddy takes his newwife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says

You know what I want, don't you?

"Yeah," saysPaddy. "The whole 'friggin' bed by the looks ofit!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo--------------------

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison Service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said that in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo---------------------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------------------------

Paddy is said to beshocked at finding out all his cows haveBluetongue.

"BeJeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo-----------------------------

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------------------------