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How to get to Heaven from Scotland
(Preview)
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answer...
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sarg
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0
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643
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The Alien
(Preview)
Two aliens landed in the Nullarbor near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader. The gas pump, of course, didnt respond. The younger alien became an...
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jimbo
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1
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663
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Mr and Mrs Bird Having a Domestic
(Preview)
When a male bird just can't stand it anymore. Photographers note: You could die of old age waiting to get a shot like this one.
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GaryKelly
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4
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1212
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What Starts with F and ends with K
(Preview)
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms....
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sarg
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1
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702
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Nasty puddy tats
(Preview)
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GaryKelly
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2
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801
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ITCHY PARTS
(Preview)
A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area. The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.. He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip. The doctor emerges from under her skirt. &...
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sarg
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1
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639
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Aplomb
(Preview)
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and and coughed discreetly. "May I ask you a question my Lord?" "Go ahead Carson " said his Lordship. "I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on" "W...
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Legendts
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0
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974
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Legal Eagles
(Preview)
COURT REPORTERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES ! These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was th...
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Hurls
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1
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704
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Senior Moments
(Preview)
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want any...
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Hurls
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0
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624
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Such is Life
(Preview)
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.. Sacha Guitry By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If y...
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Hurls
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0
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545
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Little Old Lady in Court
(Preview)
Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age? Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the...
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Hurls
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0
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564
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Beloved Leader
(Preview)
Kim Jung Un Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before Daddy made him a four-star general.This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership.He hadn't even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a sports team, o...
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Hurls
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2
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567
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GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND.
(Preview)
Grandma's boyfriend A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I ca...
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sarg
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3
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665
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Improvement
(Preview)
Gillard was asleep in her house and awoke to see Menzies' ghost. She asked, "Bob, how can I make this country better?" Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did." Gillard went back to sleep, this time she woke to an image of John Howard at the end of her bed. She...
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astroid60
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0
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502
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Seniors texting short cuts
(Preview)
Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes: * ATD- At the Doctor's * BFF - Best Friends Funeral * BTW- Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM- Covered by Medicare * CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center * DWI- Driving While Incontinent * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * GGP...
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Dunmowin
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1
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586
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Bluey and Curley
(Preview)
Bluey and Curley in New Guinea...
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GaryKelly
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1
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898
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Vet lesson!
(Preview)
This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard. First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by tel...
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jimbo
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0
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605
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Eight Thoughts to Ponder
(Preview)
EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER: Number 8 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 6 Men h...
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GaryKelly
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0
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590
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Where white man went wrong
(Preview)
A US Govt. official was talking to an old Indian, Two Eagles. He said,"You've been around a long time, Two Eagles, seen a lot of changes white man have done, all his new technology etc. Where do you think he went wrong?" Two Eagles thought a bit & then replied,"White man came to ou...
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kandagal
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1
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776
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OK RUDE WINS
(Preview)
In 4 days my follow up rude joke has 253 hits. Hoodathunkit's original rudy joke comes second and third is my test yourself joke and/or drive yourself to despair. So rudy titles wins followed by people wanting to drive themselves to despair runs a close third. Good experiment. Does s*x sell??????
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Baz421
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2
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741
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