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Oldie but a goodie IMO
(Preview)
Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits By Pam Ayres Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers, Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers, Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits. 'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning. It's Nature's revenge for al...
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The Gnome
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1
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697
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Santa’s Tired & …
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Twas the night before Christmas - old Santa was pissed. He cussed at the elves and threw down his list, Miserable brats, ungrateful jerks; Ive a good mind to scrap the whole damn works. I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear? My old lady bitches cos I w...
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Disco Duck
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1
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629
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mix up
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twobob
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1
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715
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Taxidermist
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A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see...
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Firefly
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0
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819
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Senior Health Care Solution
(Preview)
If you're a senior citizen and the government says no healthcare for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your he...
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twobob
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1
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594
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EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50..............
(Preview)
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find t...
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TRUE BLUE AUSIE
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1
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875
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Great Comeback
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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it wou...
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Firefly
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0
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833
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Mrs Tiptree
(Preview)
A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows: 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?' 'Do you know which ward she is in?...
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jimricho
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0
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948
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Planning permission.
(Preview)
Having failed to sell our house last year, we have decided to stay put for a while but have it extended to enhance its value.We therefore applied for planning permission for a major extension that would make the house 100ft tall and 400ft wide with nine turrets at various heights complete with wi...
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Palebushman
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0
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824
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If My Body Were A Car......
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If My Body Were a Car This is just too funny - scary how true it is!! IF MY BODY WERE A CAR... If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of i...
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Firefly
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0
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929
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HILLBILLY DIVORCE
(Preview)
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.' The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have...
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Palebushman
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0
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1117
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balloon
(Preview)
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mo...
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twobob
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0
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564
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Nag, Nag, Nag.
(Preview)
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting ho...
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Firefly
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0
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921
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How To Tell The Sex Of A Fly.
(Preview)
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?' She asked. 'Hunting Flies' He responded. 'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded, '3 were on a bee...
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Firefly
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0
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580
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Words of Wisdom, Not So Much A Joke
(Preview)
One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that was going on inside himself. He said, "My boy, the fight is between two wolves." That certainly got the boy's attention. "One is evil," the old man continued. "Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, ar...
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Firefly
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0
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768
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Asylum
(Preview)
Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of : 'ASYLUM'. Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hop on a boat And win A FREE HOUSE! We've already given away hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The Austral...
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twobob
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4
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1163
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He Said To Me!
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He Said To Me! He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it I said to him . ... . You wear pants don't you? He said to me . . ........ Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but...
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TRUE BLUE AUSIE
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0
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671
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Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes
(Preview)
Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's Suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all Varieties of alcohol containers: ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the he...
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jimricho
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2
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1064
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Alladin's Lamp
(Preview)
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jimricho
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1
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1125
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Rye Bread
(Preview)
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye b...
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twobob
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1
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681
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