displaced husbands on wheels.

Blues Man · Guru

RE: displaced husbands on wheels.

Aus-Kiwi · Guru

Yea most have issues at our TAFE . ( Menâs shed ) we mainly work on cars . Welders,fabricators etc. every Tuesday night we teach slow learner youth how to weld etc. Keeps the minds of these men active . Plus putting something back in community! We find there are fathers qualified in plastering, brick laying etc. it never ends . Helping each other out . I most cases FREE !

newslug · Veteran Member

Thanks Bluesman -- you make a lot of sense too if your name gives an indication as to your SO

newslug · Veteran Member

Kebbin if you don't like what you read maybe YOU"RE part of the problem

This started off a discussion on displaced men living in caravans. perfectly ON SONG with this site.

Subseent discussion (not provoked by me) lead to the side issue of displaced men ---(in or out of caravans ) I simply responded to others comments ..

Kebbin in a democratic society, you have choices ,,,,

One of those choices is to read my comments ---- another is to not bother to respond....

Simples!

newslug · Veteran Member

Aus Kiwi - thanks for your comments - and your insites -- wish men sheds in aus were so diverse!- but seems there are those on here who like to restrict the subject nature of the discussions, so for now, lets just leave it --

Santa · Guru

newslug wrote:

This started off a discussion on displaced men living in caravans. perfectly ON SONG with this site.

Last time I looked at the heading of this site it read GreyNomads.com.au, not displaced men living in caravans.com.au there is a significant difference.

It's been interesting reading from a psychological point of view.

newslug · Veteran Member

last time I looked this was a forum for discussion of all things caravanning - grey nomads. there are many single,male,grey nomads travelling Australia.....
I don't think its up to an ymember to restrict the conversation because they don't like it. No one is forcing them to participate. If you don't like it, feel free to move on to another discussion page ... simples!

Santa · Guru

newslug wrote:
last time I looked this was a forum for discussion of all things caravanning - grey nomads. there are many single,male,grey nomads travelling Australia.....
I don't think its up to an ymember to restrict the conversation because they don't like it. No one is forcing them to participate. If you don't like it, feel free to move on to another discussion page ... simples!

I'll make my own decision as to what I do or what I don't read, as I said, for various reasons, I've found the whole thread enlightening. wink

iana · Guru

I'll stand with "newslug" on this one, perhaps what is needed overall, is a revision on where subjects are posted, "General" and "I Degress", they seem have been getting a bit confused lately. The problem is, men have got no where to just go and just talk, I was a member of a forum run by "Beyond blue" and it was called "Men's shed on Line", guess what they closed it down. It was just that somewhere to be and no particular subject. Try finding a forum for men like that and the return will be zero, google the same for women and see what comes up. Its all in favour of women, dispite their moaning and groaning.
If men dare to express their feelings they will be struck down by their own and mocked by others, the only way is to keep ones own mouth firmly shut.

jules47 · The Happy Helper

Oh iana - it is true, where do men go to just "talk" - the pub? the club? Mens shed online sounded like a great idea.

Maybe you need to rethink your idea that "it is all in favour of women" I take it you mean forums? Have you thought that the women who need these forums, are the very ones who start them, and follow through as the forum grows.

A facebook page - with entry rules to be able to join and post - strict ones - fb can help yo with this - that is a good way to start a forum - but you have to have the commitment to follow all the way through - the moderator has to be fair and approachable, but firm. Why don't you start your own page?

Webmaster · Guru

Hi everyone,
I think this string is probably better suited to ‘I Digress’ so I have moved it from the ‘General’ section. Just another reminder please to keep the posts friendly and topic related. If anyone has an issue with a particular post or poster, please send me a private message and I will do what I can to resolve the issue. A reminder also that this forum is not for political discussions. Thanks everybody.

newslug · Veteran Member

good move webmaster - as the creator of this forum subject Im happy ( as I have already mentioned in my posting) to 'let it go"

hako · Guru

Hmmm....not a reincarnation of someone called,... now what was his name,.... was it M?

Good Luck

Blues Man · Guru

hako wrote:
Hmmm....not a reincarnation of someone called,... now what was his name,.... was it M?

Good Luck

You could b right Dennis , but some how i don't think so.

Mr M had a different way of putting things together ,verbally .IMO

Cheers.

Santa · Guru

Blues Man wrote:
hako wrote:
Hmmm....not a reincarnation of someone called,... now what was his name,.... was it M?

Good Luck

You could b right Dennis , but some how i don't think so.
Mr M had a different way of putting things together ,verbally .IMO
Cheers.

Agreed! I wondered the same, M had a characteristic style I doubt few could emulate. biggrin

iana · Guru

Aus-Kiwi re welding, I had when working in a winery, one of the guys come to me and ask if I could teach him to weld, they used to come into the workshop and play around on the night shift. Well he was playing around, and I said to him "You mustn't be afraid of the arc, don't be afraid of being burnt, once you have that mental control you will be able to weld.
Well he stopped playing and making bird dung welds, and began welding, easy peasy.

OK sorry, back to the subject.

-- Edited by iana on Tuesday 6th of February 2018 10:30:00 AM

Grandad5 · Senior Member

I write this to support newslug's endeavours and offer at least one contradiction to the belief that 'Grey Nomads" and "Displaced Husbands" are mutually exclusive.

My wife of 20 years walked out several years ago now. (Apparently, I was getting "Old") I'll not go into details so as not to bore anyone but suffice to say it was not a highlight of my life.
We worked out a mutually agreed upon solution to practical needs and splitting of assets.

A couple of years later however, the wife decided she wanted more and brought in the lawyers.

Faced with a very real possibility that I might have to sell the house and end up with not a lot like has happened to many men, I started considering alternative living arrangements.
Renting, moving in with kids....or buying a caravan to live in. Amongst others.
The caravan idea sounded like my best option with all things considered. But where to put it? Permanent caravan parks are fast disappearing. A small block of land was out of my reach. How about travelling?

My daughter bought me Cindy's Grey Nomad book. That was the start of the journey.
That book led to this forum, where I learnt much more about the lifestyle, trials and tribulations, the good and the not so good. Also discovered solo nomads are by no means unusual. I could very easily fit right in.
All in all, a classic case of making lemonade when life gives you lemons.

Through this forum I also met a wonderful gentleman named John, who no longer posts here, whose story was inspirational to say the least. He started at a much older age than I was and learnt all he needed as he travelled. He's still living the life. If he could do it, so could I. I cannot thank him enough. (Julie, please pass my warmest regards to him when next you see him)

I visited Greens Lake and met John, Julie, Billeeeeee (Sorry, forget how many E's are required) and Sarge.
All singles, all living the life.

So, for me, being "Forced" to live in a caravan came first. Then, the Grey Nomad choice was offered up. First by the book, then this forum. Mutually exclusive? Hell no! One can very definitely turn the other from a necessary evil to a positive lifestyle.
Cheers
Jim

PS. Just to add. I managed to remove the ex-wife's threat and I'm still in my house. My life has turned around completely since my visit to Greens. I'm the happiest I have been in many decades, all by myself and loving it. Each day I do exactly what I want to do that day and every day is different, I've also discovered how little I need to live happily. I can continue like this for many years to come.
Eventually, I'm going to have to sell up. I accept that, and I will then join you guys permanently on the road. In the meantime, I'm feeling great with only blue skies ahead of me.
Cindy's book, and through that, this forum has truly changed my life.

So keep it up newslug. You're on the right track.

Blues Man · Guru

Good on ya Grandad5 ,good to see you're on top of it .There are a lot of evil people out there and some of us here were prob married or partnered to some of them.

It is all a mental attitude and if you're strong enough in that attitude ,you will be ok.

Count your blessings everyday and we all have plenty of them,as long as we have the right attitude

Cheers.

newslug · Veteran Member

Thanks for your comment grandad! Glad to see things are working out for you ..... your story epitomises the very reason for my starting this discussion - some good news for displaced dads doing it tough... Good on ya and thanks for the positive outcome!

Leo · Senior Member

I read a book, 'The Real Rules of Life', by Ken Druck and one of the observations he makes is that we expect life to be fair and if we do the right thing then nothing bad will happen to us or to people we care about. But life isn't fair (although it can be wondrous and exhilarating) and there is NO contract that says if we always do the right thing we will be spared the downsides.

Holding a grudge against life for the nasty partner's cruelty and unconscionable behaviour, such as child (or grandparent!) alienation or wasting the available assets on lawyers, only rebounds on us and we can re-victimise ourselves.

I don't believe in the 'just be happy' line, such exhortations only mask and can make things worse. So yes, sometimes compassionate listening is warranted where the person has a tale to tell and may never understand what and why it all happened. The child victims of Hollywood harassment needed to verbalise what could not be said before. Taking that example further though, there are risks of identifying as a victim (different from coming forward with a complaint) and living that self-restricted life instead.

What if instead of holding and nurturing the grudges against life for all that has gone wrong, we instead contemplate and take up the life we might lead if the grudges weren't there? Perhaps that is the suggestion.

We don't help by blaming the victim and judgmentally declaring s/he should 'move on'. However we do not help others by taking their baggage on board either. Yes, unfair things happened and that was not right, but I am going to give myself the life I deserve and that is my choice.

I don't know about others but self-compassion can be a difficult leap, especially after the caring involved in raising families.

-- Edited by Leo on Tuesday 6th of February 2018 05:10:30 PM

Grandad5 · Senior Member

Very well put Leo

Leo · Senior Member

Thanks Grandad5. Your quote is a shorter way of saying it.

I don't know what is helpful to those who are experiencing alienation from their family and especially from children and grandchildren. Except to never give up hope and to try to keep in contact, a txt or email, at least for significant events, such as birthdays and Xmas: being diplomatic and discreet, non-complaining, never justifying and the soul of discretion. It is very hard not knowing if the message is consigned to the trash without reading at the other end.

I remember as a young adult being so shocked that a neighbour had not spoken to her sister and family for years. Then you hear stories of ruthless partners, relatives and friends who breached the trust that was placed in them in the most awful ways and at the very worst time imaginable, when their victim/s were vulnerable. We believed when we were young that the same could never happen to us, but it could and often did. Others were not so fortunate, experiencing dreadful breaches of trust form the outset, when they were children. The plight of the WW2 orphans from the UK, for example.

In my short membership here I have been impressed by the helpfulness, kindness and humanity of the posters.

gold dandelion · Senior Member

newslug, to me you are coming across as though you really have it in for woman even though now and again you throw a bit in there about their mistreatment also as a reference however it doesn't seem to be from the heart.

newslug · Veteran Member

You think so Gold Dandelion? You're entitled to your thoughts Just as Im entitled to mine -

Leo · Senior Member

Social support is crucial to wellbeing and to a life well lived. To connect in a meaningful way, men do need role models, some support and advice (dare I say mentoring?). Grandad5 spells that out and kindly gives his own experience as an example.

As far as assets are concerned, yes, some have been cheated. Many of us have had some nasty financial shocks along the way. However, remaining stuck, self-critical and resentful does more harm.

Taking the initiative to do something different - action, however small, is needed.

Where it is infinitely more difficult IMHO is where valued personal relationships have suffered and may no longer exist, through parental- and grandparental alienation.

newslug · Veteran Member

Leo the familial alienation is a huge impact on the emotional health of anybody --Unfortunately because of our laws/family courts etc -- it seems its more often the men who suffer this emotional impact,,,
This is not anti women ( as has been suggested by some) its but a small effort to try to address the imbalance - and have the appropriate parent with the their children.;
sadly our authorities seem to think women are the ONLY nurturers -- yet a look at the broad picture will show BOTH can be equally good at nurturing ... it needs to be taken away from a One size fits all approach - and the individual parents background, morals, abilities, behaviours need to be looked at on a case by case basis.
If we want equality of the sexes - then this surely has to be an area of gender bias that needs to be considered..... lets face it, Parentlng is NOT for the benfit of the parent -- its for the benefit of the child.

Leo · Senior Member

Hi newslug,

It is a very sobering experience to observe the people with their lawyers at the Federal Court and later. It is a very, very sad environment indeed and there NO winners, only losers, where the parties haven't been able to sit opposite each other across the kitchen table and work out things respectfully before. I believe it is a remarkable achievement to be married, or coupled somehow, for 20 years plus.

Parental alienation is disempowering, humiliating and devastating for the parent/grandparent targets of the alienation. When the affected children grow up they cannot shed the inheritance. The cycle continues and rebounds on the parent/s who 'schooled' the children in the first place.

newslug · Veteran Member

well Leo I know what youre saying...I do however question your suggestion that "When the affected children grow up they cannot shed the inheritance." (of their parents behaviour)

in most of the cases Im aware of, the progeny of a broken marriage/relationship are a little more wary in later life and determined NOT to allow the cycle to continue --- and work bloody hard to avoid it happening.... Of course there are those cases that fall through the cracks, but ultimately I find kids are resilient - and grow up knowing most of the risks and pitfalls ...

Its a multi faceted discussion point - and whichever way one looks at it, ultimately sad. - particularly if kids are used as a pawn.... In others where parents are determined to do the best they can for their kids, given the circumstances -- they seem more resilient and more able to cope.

Sadly as a rule, one parent misses out ( as do grand parents and extended family relatives) and usually its the fathers side of the family that is impacted.

some parents just dont think about the outcome for the kids so long as they get "custody" ( what an awful word)

-- Edited by newslug on Friday 9th of February 2018 11:10:49 PM

Leo · Senior Member

Hi newslug,

Dr (PhD) Amy J L Baker researched adults who had experienced Parental Alienation Syndrome as a child. That is, they were the child pawns befriended by one parent to isolate and get back at the other parent. While common enough outside of divorce, PAS is more obvious and more studied in divorces.

Video, www.youtube.com/watch

Book, 'Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind' by Amy J. L. Baker

A finding was that relatively few children who were subjected to parental alienation, ever fully recovered as adults. The alienator can be dad or mum and it can switch back and forth.

jules47 · The Happy Helper

Seen this so many times - many, many reasons - parents married to young - shotgun wedding as they used to say - was rife in the 60's and late 50's. Know of a guy about 49ish, was adopted out at birth, great family and a sister for him, father dies when boy is 13 - so he feels abandoned twice - and he carries on the "tradition" - alienating himself from his children, in case they abandon him too.

So sad!