Three seniors are out for a stroll.
One of them remarks, Its windy.
Another replies, No way. Its Thursday.
The last one says, Me too. Lets have a soda.

A family are driving through the countryside. They come upon a field of black and white cows, and the father remarks It must be cold out there, those cows are Friesian!

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.

After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.

The hearing specialist said, It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.

Oh no, the man responded. I havent told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. Ive changed my will four times.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck

I have too many other afflictions to worry about hypochondria.
- Greg Tamblyn

I called my gastroenterologist to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, he showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
- Dave Barry

Doctors should be required to have the logos of their drug companies pasted all over their lab coats, just like NASCAR drivers.
- (from a cartoon by Dan Wasserman)

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
- Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt

Pharmacies would be a lot more fun if they did what grocery stores do: free samples.
- Unknown Author

If you can't afford health insurance, just do what I do: rely on the placebo effect.
- Greg Tamblyn

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
- Robert Orben

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
- Phyllis Diller

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
- Jerry Seinfeld

When people invite me to a party and ask me to bring a dish, I tell them I am the dish.
- Ruth Forman

Plastic surgeon to patient: Our deluxe package includes a face lift, tummy tuck, nose job, breast implants, and 18 months of psychotherapy for your children, who will no longer recognize you.
- from a cartoon by Dan Piraro

Why does Miss Universe always come from Earth? Its like the rest of the planets arent even trying.
- Jason Love

What counts is not how many animals were killed to make the fur, but how many animals the woman had to sleep with to get the fur.
- Angela LaGreca

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Lady Gaga donated her old clothes to the homeless. The homeless wouldnt take them.
- Anonymous

God created autumn because He was tired of hearing Eve complain about having to wear the same old fig leaf.
- Melanie White