The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1: 

Lovers help each other undress before sex. 

 After sex, they always dress on their own. 

 Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.       

         SIMPLE TRUTH 2: 

         When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations." 

         But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job." 

         Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated. 

         FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE: 

         1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle. 

         2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the *******'s name. 

         3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 

         4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk. 

         5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.      

        BONUS RULES: 

         1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. 

         2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. 

        3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison. 

        This was a public service announcement. No need to thank me!!