My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra. Grandma took it pretty hard.

My son asked: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?" Yes, we arson.

Just found out my mate has been shot with a starting pistol. Police think it's race-related.

My son asked me: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" "That happens in every country, son," I replied.

My girlfriend has me locked down whenever she's around. I call her Guantanamo Bae.

I ordered a chicken and an egg off of Amazon. Ill let you know.

I hate my job as a waiter. But it puts food on the table.

What happened to frog who parked illegally? He got toad.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

The only thing Flat-Earthers fear Is sphere itself.

I wasnt sure how comfortable my new couch would be. But sofa so good.

Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped. The Police haven't got a lead.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... But Ive turned myself around and thats what its all about.

I asked my waiter: "What's the special of the day?" "Octopus" he replied. "Only problem is, it takes 3 hours to cook because it keeps turning the gas off!" He added.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you..."

Why did the antique tic tac box sell so highly at auction? It was in mint condition.

I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I'm about to start a religious movement.

How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua

I have a legless dog named cigarette. First thing, every morning, I take him out for a drag.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.

I found a horror book written in braille. Something bad is going to happen; I can feel it.

My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago. She just cant seem to let it go.

At any given moment, the urge to sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

A mime artist broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested. He still has the right to remain silent.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting.